Wk30 : Blood Pong and Smurfs

Great Freekin' News!  I can finally stop looking over my back waiting for that phony SPAM to attack. But I am kind of pissed though ... that dumb-ass actually got a multimillion dollar contract for doing something even more evil than killing all of the people in the world named Anton. I'm sure you've heard that Oprah retired from the talk show business. Well now the industry is looking for the next top blood-sucking talk show host.

SPAM naturally changed his name - again. Afterall, he couldn't exactly go on TV with a name that stands for the 'Self Proclaimed Anton Murderer'. So the loser changed it to SMURF, which stands for Serial-killers Most Under Rated Fellon. It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard of. I'm even embarrassed to say the man was once my arch enemy!

All this just gives me another reason to hate the Smurfs!! They're all just bunch of little phonies with their blue skin, and the dumb freekin' way they attach the word smurf to almost everything they say. It's no wonder GargaSmell was always trying to do away with them.

I never really had a problem with the blue little freaks until Garth made me go to the Smurf movie with him last Friday night. It was a result of a Blood Pong tournament gone wrong. The only reason that moron beat me was because I tripped over one of his stupid Thomas the Train tracks, which he claims he doesn't play with any more but refuses to take down.

Because I lost, I had to go to the movie dressed as a Smurf. Of course, this was a good thing to that dummy because he dressed up as well. Ever since he found out they made a real life movie version of the Smurfs, he's been a giddy idiot.

I'm a man though - I honored my agreement and went to that dumb movie looking like a Smurf Toolbag. Luckily, we got kicked out of the movie theater before it even started. I was really freekin' pissed off at Garth for making me wear the dumb costume, so I went for the jugular and told him that the Fraggles could kick the Smurf's ass. LMAO! 

It got him all wound up, to the point where he forgot we were standing in line with a bunch of children. We got into a Bite Fight, and pretty much ended up spraying blood all over the theater lobby. Trust me when I tell you - it was a Blood-Smurfing-Bath!

The way my luck has been going lately, of course Hermy found out how I "traumatized those poor little children" and broke up with me. Who needs her and her unpronounceable name anyway!


Life Sucks
- Anton

Don't be a phony - read my story from the beginning!

Wk 29 - I CAN SPEAK TWO LANGUAGES!

This is totally insane!! I found out this week that I can talk to snakes.

I took Hermy on a second date to the city zoo. It was the perfect place because, A) I figured I could take her through all the scary animals which would freak her out and make her want to stay real close to me and B) I've been feeling a little weak lately, so I wanted to scope out the Lion's cage for another late night Lion's Blood run with Garth.

Anyway, I was waiting in line in the reptile area when my "Winning" scar (you know - the one that Moron Who Has No Name gave me) started burning real bad. Then I looked over at a cage and realized a snake was talking to me. I know your thinking I've gone off the deep end, but WHATEVER - I'm telling you the truth. I tried to talk back but I couldn't quite get the sounds down.

When I told Gandork about my new power, he told me 'the Dummy Who Has No Name' can also talk to snakes. Says I'm called a 'Parsley Mouth' (I think). Pretty odd name for it if you ask me, but it gave me an idea. I took Hermy back to the zoo so that I could try talking to the snake again. But this time I shoved a bunch of parsley in my mouth so that I could make the right sounds. And it actually worked!! As a bonus, I'm thinking it really turned Hermy on to me also!

It's kind of cool that I have this power, but really - what the heck am I ever going to freakin' use it for?

Wk 28 - Snogging Rulz!

I'm so stoked after my first date with Hermy! It went really good. OK, it may have started off a tad shaky, but I eventually found my groove. Now I'm pretty sure she can't wait to go on another date with me.

I took her out on Wednesday night, and since I'm going to be freekin' fifteen years old for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be able to get my license. So I had to get my idiot cousin Garth to drive us around. I dressed him up in an old suit to make it look like I hired a limo driver for the night, but I have a feeling Hermy wasn't buying it.

I pulled off the ultimate romantical move during dinner. I remembered seeing a movie once where these two dogs eat spaghetti off the same plate. Supposedly, chicks really dig stuff like that. So that gave me the idea to order a raw steak for the two of us. I was definitely 'winning' on that situation because she could eat the meat and I could drink the blood left on the bottom of the plate. But I'm thinking she was really trying to impress me by watching her figure because she hardly ate any.

During the middle of dinner, she leaned over and told me she couldn't wait to do some 'snogging' with me later in the night. I had absolutely no clue what that meant. The only thing I knew for sure was that it was something she really wanted to do, so I was desperate to find out.

Before we left the restaurant, I pretended like I was going to go to the bathroom, but I snuck outback where one of the cooks was taking a smoke break. The guy was a freekin' jerk. I told him I'd give him some money for a 'snogging' lesson and he instantly punched me in the face. Now normally, I would have unloaded a can of my Lion's Blood fury on him, except that I had to get back to my date.

I figured by the cook's reaction, 'snogging' must have meant something to do with 'snuggling'. Right? Made sense - chicks are all about that. But I still wasn't 100% sure, because otherwise she would have just said 'snuggling'.

Then it all clicked. I knew what she was after. Once we got back to the house, I grabbed my laptop and got real close to her on the coach so that we could do some blogging together.  Snogging = Snuggling While Blogging. Brilliant! I blogged some really romantic poems that I made up on the spot to really get her into me.

"Snogging Rulz!"

- Anton