I was doing a lot of thinking earlier this week. That old dude, Charlie Sheen, is like some kind of freekin' genius! I mean just look at the guy - he's living like a rockstar. And Winning! He's got a million hot chicks wanting to be his girlfriend which he says is all because he has tiger blood. So I grabbed Garth last night and headed to the zoo after it closed.
But I wasn't interested in Tiger's Blood. Why should I settle for that when I can get the real winner. LION'S BLOOD! Am I right?
Nobody was around so I thought it would be a piece of cake to just sneak into one of the lion's dens and drink a little blood.
The plan was simple - I just loaded Garth up with a bunch of raw, bloody steaks and sent him into the lion's cage to distract it. It worked awesomely! Until Garth ran out of meat. But by that time, I had already jumped on the lion's back, and the only way I was going to get it off of Garth was to drink enough blood to make the lion pass out.
Seriously, I must have drank two gallons of that lion's blood (which was pretty tasty) before it got woozy and collapsed. And don't you phonies go yelling 'animal cruelty' because the blood I took from it was easily replaced from the blood he got out of Garth. Yeah, it'll probably turn into a Vampion or something like that, but nobody should notice. And, well Garth's already dead ... so it's no biggie.
NOW I'M THE FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR! Just before I sat down to write this blog entry, I opened the pickle lid jar for Garth's mom with no trouble at all. I don't have to tell you how tight those lids usually are. And I didn't even have to run it under hot water.
Who needs tiger's blood. ... I'VE GOT LION'S BLOOD, BABY!!
Read from Week 1