Wk 22 - The Getaway

SEE - I KNEW IT! 

Lady Gaga showed up in an egg at the Grammy's. I mean - ummm - that's what I've been told ... I couldn't watch because I was busy doing something more manly, like watching a Monster Truck Rally.
Did you see the egg she showed up in? It looked just like an egg from the movie Alien. Just Saying.

You can go ahead and pretend like it's nothing to worry about, but I'm gonna keep an eye out on that one. If you saw the movie, then you'd know their trick is to get you all comfortable around them, and then plant an alien in your stomach when your not looking.

As a matter of fact, my stomach started hurting on Monday night, and I was convinced that one of those little gut-busting freaks was trying to pop out of me, so I made Garth take me to the emergency room. It ended up being just some gas from bad Deer blood that I drank the night before, but I didn't want to take any chances.

Then, the hospital wouldn't let us leave because they said Obama's new health care plan didn't cover Vampires. That's when Garth tried to do his Jedi trick on them (you know - his make believe Vampire mind control thing), so I took that opportunity and slipped out of the hospital while no was watching me. I haven't seen Garth back yet - hopefully he got away. Oh well.

This Bite Club thing is getting a little out of hand. There's like 100 members now and they're starting to get really rowdy - talking about a Vampire revolution and all. I need to find a way to chill them out.

My fight with Brad Pitt is scheduled for next week which is kind of tweaking me out. His girl, Himerionitori (whatever), keeps trying to talk to me and it's only making him more mental. I hear he's been watching Troy over and over to get pumped.

One good thing did come out of Bite Club this week, though - if you want to call it that. Some of the members "convinced" our school principal to let me and Growley back in school.  I'm not sure what they said to him, but something tells me I don't want to know!

At least now I'll get my chance to smooth things over with Veronica.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Read my blog from the beginning, you big phony!

Wk 21 : Bite Night

Man - a bunch of crap went down this week!

First, I got an update on 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named'. Dad filled me in during one of his usual unannounced pop-ins.

He said that SPAM's starting to gather an army of fellow Anton-Name-Haters. They call themselves Anton Eaters. That maniac is really starting to piss me off! I mean, how humiliating would it be getting taken down by someone called an 'Anton Eater', anyway! Let's just hope it doesn't get to that.

Obviously SPAM doesn't realize that I'm one of the founders of Bite Club. Shoot - I practically have my own army ready to follow me to war. So if you're reading this, Dummy Formerly Known as SPAM, with that stupid crop circle symbol you changed your name to (which isn't even cool looking), BRING IT ON!

Enough of that butt-head though, I've got another bonehead to worry about at the moment. Brad Pitt. His girlfriend - you know, the one who's name I can't pronounce (something like Herminoriteeoneeity) was having a simple conversation with me, so Brad-the jealous-psychopath-Pitt, (aka 'Glen', but don't call him that) challenged me to a Bite-Off.

A Bite-Off is a special Steel-Cage Match that we hold on Bite Night where you bite-fight until the other person has lost so much blood, they can't move. But we don't actually have a steel cage, so we create a circle in Garth's basement using some of his old Thomas-the-Train tracks. Between us, I think he still plays with them because he gets all bent out of shape if you accidently step on them.

I know it sounds pretty gruesome, but we're already dead, so it's really not a big deal. Of course, that doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell if I lose. I've been taking an extra protein blood supplement to prepare for it.


'Life Sucks'
- Anton

Don't be a phony - read from the beginning!

WK 17 - Merry Freekin' Christmas!

It was another crazy week! Gandork's been really jumpy lately. I mean - yeah, he's usually doing something weird or freaky, but lately he's been going over the deep end. Just this morning he was running around the halls of the school like a madman, slamming his cane on the ground and screaming "Expelliarmus", "Expelliarmus".

All the students in the hall scattered thinking the old make-believe wizard finally went over the deep end with poser spells that he made up. Between me and you, I kind felt sorry for the crazy old coot, so I asked him if he was OK.

I found out he was just saying "Expel  E.Airmus". Some phony with the name Eric Airmus had posted pictures of Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings all over the school with Mr. Tumbledore's face pasted over the top of it. Alright ... so it was a little funny, but he didn't have to go and humiliate Gandork like that! If I was him, I would want that jerk, Eric Airmus, expelled too.

Dad popped up this week with his usual bad timing, and while I was in the bathroom singing some completely rediculous song, of course. Once the stupid song's in your head, it's impossible to get it out! But that's beside the point - the man has no respect for privacy. He just floats in and out without knocking!

Dad told me the 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' managed to form back into his own body ... but wait till you hear this. For some reason, his face didn't fully grow in, and now he has no nose. He looks completely lame. Serves that phony killer right!

One of his minions gave him a pair of sunglasses as a gag welcome-back gift. But since 'The Dummy' had no nose to hold them up, they fell right off. SPAM probably would have killed the guy, but he ended up laughing so hard, he choked to death.

I'm so freekin' tired because I haven't slept in days! Growley has me completely wigging out with paranoia over the grand master prank he's been planning on me. Stupid Werewolf! - I wish he would just get it over with already!

Got in some hot water with the big guy this week. I'm talking about Santa Claus, of course. It kind of just dawned on me Christmas Eve as I was getting ready for bed.

Ever notice the man never gets older? I mean, he has to be like 200 years old or something. That's when I realized that he must be a Vampire. Makes sense, right?

I made the idiotic mistake of replacing his usual glass of milk with a mug of warm cow's blood to go with his cookies. I figured if he's a Vampire, he would really appreciate a nice warm glass of blood, and then I would be in good with the Jolly Old Vamp forever. ... and I've really been wanting the new iPhone 4.

My plan didn't turn out as I'd expected. Let's just say it wasn't one of my brightest ideas. In case your wondering, Santa is NOT a Vampire. Jeez - you'd think he'd look to see what's in a cup before drinking it blindly. He's all angry because Lady Gaga bit the head off a stuffed Santa doll while she was on stage this week. And now he's fuming over it and taking it out on me!

Anyway, I hope you all have a Merry Freekin' Christmas ... except for the phonies!

"Life Sucks"

- Anton