Wk 19 - Bored

I'm so freekin' bored!  I've been stuck in this stupid house listening to Garth sing all week since being suspended from my phony school. American Idol is coming around for their usual open auditions soon and that idiot has the idea in his head that he has a shot. Probably because I told him he has great natural talent and that he would blow the judges away.

OK, so between me and you, a shrieking bird sounds better than him. But trust me, it'll be a wicked good laugh for all of us when they air it on TV. Now he's walking around all proud and full of himself, like some kind of Vampire Diva. Hey - I had to do something to keep from going insane with boredom.

Mom is so pissed at me, she won't even speak to me for the blood-spilling Shakespeare incident. I tried to explain that it was all Growley's doing, but she was not buying it. Growley got it even worse from his mom. She made him stay in their dog's outside kennel all week. And in fact, he's all scratched up now, because he tried to steel the dog's bone one night during one of his "sleep walking episodes". What can I say - best friends are hard to come by!

Actually, speaking of the Play, I should thank you readers, because one of you made a good point in the comments section by explaining that all Shakespeare Plays end in tragedy. Well, I read between the lines and realized that what you were really saying was that me and Growley made the Play even better by creating a whole new tragic ending. Now it's only a matter of time before Veronica understands that and comes running into my arms. 

'C' called me today. (that's Santa Clause - we're pretty tight now) I thought he would have cooled off with his busy time of year over and all, but I was wrong. Sounds like his elves are busting his chops pretty good. When he was working Christmas Eve, a bunch of them got drunk on spiked eggnog and decorated his whole house with Lady Gaga posters and statues. 'C' got even with them, though. He weeded out the guilty elves and put them on reindeer poop cleanup all year. Anyway, he's sending me to one of Gaga's concerts in a couple of weeks to get some dirt on her. Just more punishment as far as I'm concerned.

Actually there was one good thing that came out of this week. Since Growley's been banned to his dog's kennel all week, he's been hanging around here a lot. One night, at around two o'clock in the morning we decided to make a slushy run to the local 7-11. Halfway there we started arguing over who's fault the blood spill really was. Next think I know, that wacko bites me on the arm. So I did the obvious thing and bit him back. And just quit your judging, right now! Yeah, it may sound a little unusual, but remember - it's instinct for us so don't go spreading rumors that we're weird or something.

After about five minutes of trying to bite each another, we both fell down exhausted and laughed our butts off. That's when some strange dude with short spikey hair and a bag full of soap (yes, soap!) came out of nowhere and started talking to us. He said his name was Brad Pitt (no - not the the real one). A bit odd, don't you think?

Turns out he's a Vampire too. He asked join our club, and that's when we came up with an AWESOME idea! We decided to start a club for "our kind" of people - where we wouldn't be discriminated against. And where we wouldn't have to worry about 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. We call it "BITE CLUB".

I've got a good feeling about this- it's gonna be epic!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Read from Wk 01.

Wk 13 - 'Vampire Wine' is NOT for Vampires

AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year.  *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.

And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him?  I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.

But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.

Mom came over for Thanksgiving this week. Her and Aunt Celia (that's Garth's mom) felt bad that we couldn't have a proper holiday dinner like them, so Mom went out and bought a bottle of 'Vampire Wine'.

She figured it was just a fancy bottle of blood for the holidays, so her and Aunt Celia let us drink that while they pigged out on turkey.

Turns out it wasn't blood. In fact, we didn't know it was real wine until we started getting light headed, but by that time it was too late! Me and Garth ended up getting really drunk. We started burping and farting at the dinner table, cracking ourselves up as we finished the bottle.

So things might have gotten a little out of hand. Garth has some older friends who told him that when guys drink too much, they get 'Beer Muscles'. That means they start acting real tough - picking fights with bigger guys and stuff like that. Luckily that doesn't happen to Vampires, but I found out the hard way something that does.

'Beer Fangs' make Vampires believe they are much scarier than they actually are. Me and Garth got bored just sitting around the dinner table and started chasing our moms around like we were going to bite them. Of course we were kidding, but they didn't find it very funny and kicked us out of the house. And during Thanksgiving Dinner! We didn't care though, our Beer Fangs had given us a great idea.

We decided to walk over to the movie theater to see what the chick situation was like since we were feeling extra smooth from the Beer Fangs and all. Garth even suggested a great idea for me to kick it old-school with two of the hottest chicks at the theater - the Stygian Twins. I'm pretty sure they're models. I pulled out my Dracula cape and everything. Garth even added a smoke machine for extra effect.

It actually worked!!! We gave the twins our number and are expecting a call any day now. I'm never drinking again, though. Me and Garth spent the whole next day sitting next to the toilet, throwing up our guts. But hey, if they're as hot as we remember, at least something good will come from it!! Everybody will be talking about us.

The Stygian Twins




"Life Sucks"

- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Wk 11 - What Werewolves Like

Talk about a long week!

My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!

If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)

So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.

Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.

After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.

Yep - another stinkin' failed test.

But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.

Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.

So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it would be a bad scene if I started feeding him and ran out of food.

By the end of the day, I had a whole trash bag full of the smelly critters. Then, the next morning, I waited in a tree that was on Growley's way to school, because there was no way I wanted to be near him once the feeding frenzy started. My plan was going perfect.

But then, when I opened the bag to throw the animals down to him, the horrible smell came out of bag and I swear it smacked me in the face! Seriously, it felt like mace hitting my eyes. That's when I lost my balance and fell on Growley, dead animals and all. I don't think I need to tell you how that went.

Anyway, turns out Growley's a pretty cool guy. Don't get me wrong, he was wicked pissed and almost killed me after I dumped those smelly rodents on top of him, but he got over it ... eventually. The guy's got a pretty hard punch, so I don't think I'll be conducting any more experiments with him. We cut school together because we both smelled like we stepped out of a sewer.

I finally confronted him about the werewolf thing and he swears he is not one - just really hairy. I'm not buying it though - I think he just hasn't fully turned yet. Maybe it happens at a certain age - like in Twilight (even though that movie is full of lies).

On top of all that CRAP, I found out from Gandork that 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' has made some progress in getting back to the living. Since he doesn't have a body to go into yet, his face grew into the back of one of his idiotic lackies' heads. This all sounds pretty insane to me, especially since it's coming from Gandork, so I'll ask Dad the next time he pops up.



"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Read from the beginning.