Thursday, September 23, 2010

Wk 01 - This is NOT a Journal!

This is not a journal. It’s a blog and there’s a huge difference! A journal is something a Wimpy Kid would keep. Blogging, on the other hand, is something that everyone is doing these days, so it can't be all that lame.

Trust me, I wouldn’t be writing this stupid blog if it wasn’t required at my stupid new school. I'm sure you've heard of the rule - Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That's right, my last phony school kicked me out because I told someone I was a Vampire. Keep that on the DL though. Mom will freekin' kill me (again) if I'm booted out of another school.

I’ve only been here 6 days and I hate it already. It’s so PHONY! That’s my new word. I got it from the kid who constantly complains in that book they make you read in school, 'Catcher in the Rye'. I wish I could make that idiot live in my shoes for a day. He'd stop whining, for sure.


Since I have to start this lame blogging thing, I might as well tell you about my miserable existence.

My dad was murdered fourteen years ago by some freak who called himself the 'Self Proclaimed Anton Murderer', or 'SPAM', as they call him on the street. That's right - he murdered dad just because his name was Anton. I'm not even kidding! Oh yeah, that's my name also.

Anyway, after that phony killer became famous, he changed his name to some crazy crop circle symbol that nobody could pronounce. I mean, what kind of loser does that, anyway!


But then his Google search ratings plummeted so he switched back to just 'SPAM'.



Well, at least I don’t have to spend the rest of my life all hell-bent on avenging dad, because I killed SPAM on that same night.

I was only 1 year old at the time and my parents had taken me to the Never-Leave-Land Ranch. We were waiting in line to ride the Run-Away-From-The-PopStar Train, behind SPAM, when he overheard mom call my dad 'Anton'. SPAM freaked out and pushed my dad over the railing.

Mom had been holding me at the time and when dad fell, his hand got caught on my diaper and pulled it off.

As the story goes, mom turned to face SPAM and I got so scared, I peed right in his eyes. (That's the only part of this story I like.) Makes sense; I guess pee would sting if it got in your eyes. Anyway, he jumped around screaming that his eyes were stinging and fell over the railing, too.



Now I remember that ugly bald-headed SPAM every time I comb my hair because he scratched my forehead before he fell and left a scar.

But that’s still not the worst part; the scar is two ovals next to each other. I always tell people it's a ‘W’ that stands for 'Winner', but really, the first thing they see when I show it to them is a set of boobs, or worse, a butt.

And don't go thinking you phonies are so clever calling me Butt-Head, because like a thousand people before you already thought of it!


24 comments:

  1. He was probably some freak that hated Satanists. The person that came up with Satanism had the name Stanton, or Anton for short.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Michelle. LOL - you learn something new everyday. I'll have to look up this Stanton character. It does sound like some kind of weird motivation SPAM would have though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ... okay ... who comes up with something as sick and weird as this?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sick? Weird?!? This is the crap I'm talking about! I'm just trying to blog about my life, and I get Anti-Vampire comments from Phonies like this!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think it looks like a W. That's what I thought of first thing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love this blog it is pure awsomness LOL! its so Kewl

    ReplyDelete
  7. hm... its alright, ill keep checking in. but the thing is..... its not really well written, and little copying from harry potter.... but im guessing you'll get better as u go, so good job

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for all the comments, everybody! Great feedback!
    LOL - It's a parody - I'm actually happy that you drew the references to HP.

    ReplyDelete
  9. o, ok, that makes sense!! (btw this is the same person who commented above saying that this was good but a little to much like harry potter) i read the whole thing start to finish today..... i have to say it was pretty cool.... but could u please get a girlfriend soon??? cuz thats what i kinda wanna read about. lol, thats what teenage girls do. can u read my blog?? i actually started it after i read urs, because urs gave me a great idea! 9no, it has nothing to do with vampires or werewolves, its just about an unpopular girl battling her way through middle school, but no one likes her cuz she talks to much. its actually based off of my real life, but the names are changed) please check it out, ur blog inspired it.

    so ya, great blog!!! ima check back often.....

    ReplyDelete
  10. hi i'm oz a teenage werewolf so i'm kinda like you just more hair on my body love the blog. see ya fangs

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's funny - I'm currently trying to determine if a guy in my school is a werewolf.

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ Girl With All the Words - Thanks for your kind words. I checked out your blog and really liked it. Keep up the good work! I'll be reading.

    ReplyDelete
  13. thx. u should turn this into a book btw.........

    ReplyDelete
  14. btw

    could u make me a banner??? URS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks. But I can't claim credit for it - a friend of mine liked my blog so much, he decided to make me the banner, which I agree is AWESOME - Thanks again, Sam!
    We'll see about the book idea. Right now I'm just doing this to see if it generates any interest, plus I couldn't imagine charging anyone for my horrible cartoons, LOL. But I think it works somehow. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. oh, ok. but seriously, this is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did u get ur blog so poular though? ive beenon for 4 whole days and only have 3 followers! (one is me!)

    so ya....

    ReplyDelete
  17. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! OMG i have had a crappy day and your blog (not diary) just made my day!! haha thats funny!! dont worry about what other ppl said this is good. haha i liked it. some people are just rude. thanks Anton that was great :)
    cant wait to read more!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is really cool! I love parody stuff. And your cartoon drawings are better than "Diary of a Wimpy Kid! Haha, I guess that isn't saying much, but you draw better than me, so.........yeeeaaaah....... : D

    ReplyDelete
  19. Excellent! - Thank you all so much for the feedback. Please tell your friends about it.

    @Girl W/All the Words - 3 people in 4 days sounds pretty good to me - keep at it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. I can't decide which image is most disturbing. There are so many choices. Great job! More art!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Off to a great start, can't wait to read the rest! Will definitely pass it on!! MGH

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is cool. I like how you incorporated some boobs/butt talk. Thats very 15 of you. And as @GirlW/All the Words says, you do need a girlfriend, or a nice cardboard cut-out of Marylin Monroe, P.S. Get over Diary of a Wimpy Kid and bash Twilight already!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. This blog makes me very proud to be the nephew of the great charles mathews

    -ryan "the flying fish master" mathews

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is so cool! my friend told me about it (she's obsessed wiv vamps) this is brill make it into a book plz!
    He should totally get a girlfriend! I'd be his girlfriend. Think emo hippie goth girl.
    luv this!
    Spikeyrose<3

    ReplyDelete