Wk 13 - 'Vampire Wine' is NOT for Vampires

AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year.  *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.

And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him?  I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.

But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.

Mom came over for Thanksgiving this week. Her and Aunt Celia (that's Garth's mom) felt bad that we couldn't have a proper holiday dinner like them, so Mom went out and bought a bottle of 'Vampire Wine'.

She figured it was just a fancy bottle of blood for the holidays, so her and Aunt Celia let us drink that while they pigged out on turkey.

Turns out it wasn't blood. In fact, we didn't know it was real wine until we started getting light headed, but by that time it was too late! Me and Garth ended up getting really drunk. We started burping and farting at the dinner table, cracking ourselves up as we finished the bottle.

So things might have gotten a little out of hand. Garth has some older friends who told him that when guys drink too much, they get 'Beer Muscles'. That means they start acting real tough - picking fights with bigger guys and stuff like that. Luckily that doesn't happen to Vampires, but I found out the hard way something that does.

'Beer Fangs' make Vampires believe they are much scarier than they actually are. Me and Garth got bored just sitting around the dinner table and started chasing our moms around like we were going to bite them. Of course we were kidding, but they didn't find it very funny and kicked us out of the house. And during Thanksgiving Dinner! We didn't care though, our Beer Fangs had given us a great idea.

We decided to walk over to the movie theater to see what the chick situation was like since we were feeling extra smooth from the Beer Fangs and all. Garth even suggested a great idea for me to kick it old-school with two of the hottest chicks at the theater - the Stygian Twins. I'm pretty sure they're models. I pulled out my Dracula cape and everything. Garth even added a smoke machine for extra effect.

It actually worked!!! We gave the twins our number and are expecting a call any day now. I'm never drinking again, though. Me and Garth spent the whole next day sitting next to the toilet, throwing up our guts. But hey, if they're as hot as we remember, at least something good will come from it!! Everybody will be talking about us.

The Stygian Twins




"Life Sucks"

- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Wk 11 - What Werewolves Like

Talk about a long week!

My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!

If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)

So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.

Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.

After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.

Yep - another stinkin' failed test.

But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.

Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.

So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it would be a bad scene if I started feeding him and ran out of food.

By the end of the day, I had a whole trash bag full of the smelly critters. Then, the next morning, I waited in a tree that was on Growley's way to school, because there was no way I wanted to be near him once the feeding frenzy started. My plan was going perfect.

But then, when I opened the bag to throw the animals down to him, the horrible smell came out of bag and I swear it smacked me in the face! Seriously, it felt like mace hitting my eyes. That's when I lost my balance and fell on Growley, dead animals and all. I don't think I need to tell you how that went.

Anyway, turns out Growley's a pretty cool guy. Don't get me wrong, he was wicked pissed and almost killed me after I dumped those smelly rodents on top of him, but he got over it ... eventually. The guy's got a pretty hard punch, so I don't think I'll be conducting any more experiments with him. We cut school together because we both smelled like we stepped out of a sewer.

I finally confronted him about the werewolf thing and he swears he is not one - just really hairy. I'm not buying it though - I think he just hasn't fully turned yet. Maybe it happens at a certain age - like in Twilight (even though that movie is full of lies).

On top of all that CRAP, I found out from Gandork that 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' has made some progress in getting back to the living. Since he doesn't have a body to go into yet, his face grew into the back of one of his idiotic lackies' heads. This all sounds pretty insane to me, especially since it's coming from Gandork, so I'll ask Dad the next time he pops up.



"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Read from the beginning.

Wk 10 - "The Stipulation"

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

Everyone got a big kick out of it (except for Veronica). She ran off screaming, making a huge fuss over it. It wasn't even her blood. For all she knew I could have been seriously hurt, but do you think she cared? That phony's off my radar again. Then, the moron principal gave me detention for a week! This school's so Vampa-Phobic, it's pathetic!!

When I first arrived at detention, the only seat left was next to this guy Dexter and that totally freaked me out because the guy's mega-weird. Everybody keeps their distance from him because he growls while he eats his food, like some kind of nutbag. All the students call him 'Growley'.

When I was forced to sit next to him in detention, I couldn't help but stare at the freakazoid. That's when I noticed his finger nails didn't look quite right and I think I figured it out: he's a werewolf. It makes sense that he wouldn't tell anyone, because 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' applies to werewolves also.

I don't want to just come out and ask him either, because I can't stand when people do that to me. You'd think I wore a gigantic sign saying I was a Vampire or something. I have a few ideas to find out for sure before I confront him about it.

Fully freekin' confused yet? Start from Week 1 and everything will be explained.

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 09 - The Jersey SNORE

I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!

Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.

Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.

There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.

But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'

Think about it - 'The Situation' can go either way. Yeah, it could be a 'good' situation, but it can just as easily be a 'bad' situation (and who wants that). But "The Stipulation" has a certain mystery to it. Like, if you want to go out with me, there are things to consider. It will keep all the babes wondering about me and that's what it's all about. And just so we're clear - this doesn't mean I think 'The Situation' is cool.

The Twilight lawsuit isn't looking good. My lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, has been getting a lot of publicity with all the recent hype over our class action suit and now he's getting all fame-crazed from the attention and talking about going on that new show 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. I guess he's just one more phony in this crappy world.

The only good part of my week was seeing Garth go down in flames. That bonehead's still trying to learn vampire tricks from 'True Blood', so he went out this week and tried to 'Glamour' (still think that's a really stupid name for it) a girl at the mall into going on a date with him. He even included a wave of his hand, like he was some kind of dumb Jedi-Knight Vampire. If only I had taped it on my iPhone - it would have gone viral for sure!

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 07 - Mr. Tumbledore

No update on my lawsuit against 'Twilight'. Vinnie's still building a case.


GANDORK



What a freekin' week! As part of my punishment from the trouble I caused at school a couple of weeks ago, I have to start meeting with the 9th grade guidance counselor, Mr. Tumbledore. Talk about freaks! - This guy should have his own counselor. He's this really old, tall guy with long gray hair. He looks like that dude from Lord of the Rings, Gandolf, so everyone calls him 'Gandork'.

He uses a cane to walk, but I swear he thinks it's some kind of magical staff. Every time he counsels a student to do something, he slams the end of the cane on the floor like he just cast a spell. And they're worried about me! I'm sure he's going to be a major phony, but I'll report more on him next week after we meet.



Mom also made me start hanging out with my idiot cousin, Garth, because she says I need to learn how to be a vampire. Well, that may be true but Garth is the sorriest excuse for a vampire you ever want to meet. I mean, the moron accidentally turned me - if that tells you anything about him.


I shouldn't be writing this, but the reason he became a Vampire is because he signed up for some lame clinical study that was testing a new vaccine to protect agaist Vampirism. Actually, I start laughing hysterically every time I think about how he only got a $50 gift certificate to the mall to find out the vaccine didn't work.  

At least he's 19. That's like the perfect age. Not me - I'M FREEKIN' STUCK IN PUBERTY UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Every third word that comes out of my mouth sounds like some kind of mutant seal. But I suppose it could be worse. There's this kid, Bruno, who was turned when he was 3. But his mind is 15 so he is in my grade. It's a little freaky to watch him, but I've got to admin, that little dude has some sweet moves with the ladies.

Anyway, Garth claims he has been watching this show 'True Blood' that will give us all the instruction we need. But we have to sneak it, because his mom won't let me watch it because it's for adults, which is exactly the kind of CRAP I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life! I'll report back on that next week also.


BTW - I've shortened my catch phrase to just 'Life SUCKS'. It just sounds cooler (plus it's just clever because vampires suck blood and I'm a vampire and all). I'm trying to get a patent on it like that dude who makes a zillion bucks every time someone wants to scream 'Let's get Ready to Rumble'.