Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wk 12 - Destroyer of All Vampires

I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.

Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.

And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.

One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!

Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.

Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.

I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber!  I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.

Actually, if she cut those snakes off her head and got rid of the scaly bottom, she's really not that bad looking. Just saying ...

Luckily I only looked at him for a second, so I was just temporarily blinded. It's kind of like looking into the Sun; if you look too long, it's all over. But then his singing started its evil torture on my ears, like fingers scraping on a chalkboard, only like a million times worse! I jumped out of my seat, covered my ears, and ran for the door. What other choice did I have? Only I forgot that I still couldn't see and ended up running into the wall and knocked my self out.
When I woke up, Growley said I was babbling something about Justin Bieber being a Weapon of Mass Destruction to all Vampires. So now you know why I don't expect it to remain a secret for very long. My ears are stills aching.

Now Mom is making me hide out at my cousin's house, because he told her all about make believe Vampire Kings and Queens and how they might come after me for my mistake. Yes - he's still wrapped up in that series, 'True Blood'. I don't think Mom totally believed it, but she said she didn't want to take any chances and that I needed to hide out at Garth's until the whole thing blew over. To be honest with you, she seemed a little excited.

I'm not worried about any fake King's or whatever else Garth is carrying on about, but I am a little freaked that this information about J.B. (you know who I'm talking about) could get to SPAM, or is it 'The Murderer Formerly Known as SPAM', or 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named', or whatever other stupid moronic name that killer is going by these days.

And to top it all off, I talked to Dad this weekend and asked him if he could do some snooping around in the afterworld to find out more about 'The Dummy'. I practically poured my heart out to the man, but he claimed his week was really jam packed with important stuff and asked he could do it next week. UN-FREEKIN'-BELIEVABLE!!

He better be working on solving world hunger or something!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

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