Wk 16 - A Midnight Snack

The Stygian twins finally called this week. They're the girls I told you about that me and Garth met on Thanksgiving night when we got drunk on Vampire Wine. We met up with them, but decided they just weren't right for us, so we let them down easy. Please NEVER bring the subject of the Stygian twins up to me again.

This past week, I was really getting sick of sleeping at Garth's house, so I asked Growley if I could crash at his house one night to get a break from Garth's disgusting toxic room. At first it was all good - I was fast asleep on his couch. But then, an incident happened. Something so wickedly disturbing, I don't think I'll ever get over it.

It was like two o'clock in the middle of the night when I woke up to itch my leg. I thought maybe a mosquito had bitten me ... but I was WRONG. It was Growley! AND HE WAS GNAWING ON MY LEG!! I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but that is the absolute INSANE FREEKIN' TRUTH!

He said I was carrying on like a girl, and claimed that it was only a little sleep walking episode. Sure, my Vampire skin healed up fine over the next couple of days, but that's not the point. We're talking about my friend trying to eat my leg, people! After that, I forced him to confront his mom, and she FINALLY told him the truth about his Werewolf background.

Anyway, I figured at least we were even from me dumping the rotting animals on him and all, but he doesn't see it that way because he says I meant to throw the animals on him. Whatever!  Between me and you, I'm not buying his sleepwalking story. He says he planning this master prank on me to settle that score, so now I'm walking around completely freekin' paranoid.

Aside from almost getting eaten by my best friend this week, I've decided my main goal this year is to get a girlfriend. Let's face it, the older I get the harder it will be since I'll be stuck in this 15 yr old body forever.

I really like that Veronica chick and I know we've started out on a few bad notes, but I'm pretty sure I can win her heart. I found out that she is playing the lead role of Juliet in the school play, so I tried out for Romeo and got it! Yeah, yeah ... I know what you're thinking - school plays are totally dorky, especially with the nerdy way you have to talk in them like "What light through yonder window breaks?". I mean, what does that even mean? But hey ... a Vampire's gotta do what a Vampire's gotta do.

I have to admit, this acting thing is pretty hard work. I have to remember a ton of lines by next week's opening. And I'm pretty sure the play is in a totally made up language from that Shakesfear person. I really hope Veronica appreciates everything I'm doing for her.

And of course my scar's burning more than ever. Gandork says it's because 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named' is getting stronger. So now he wants me to start training to prepare for my fight with him.

That's when I finally confessed to him that I'm a Vampire, just in case it was important in planning my whole destined duel to the death thing. Gandork then confided in me that he is really a wizard posing as a school guidance counselor. I gotta tell ya, it was almost freekin' impossible to not laugh right there in his face. How am I supposed to trust my life in the hands of this lunatic, anyway?!?

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Before you go judging me, get all the facts and read from the beginning.

Wk 10 - "The Stipulation"

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

Everyone got a big kick out of it (except for Veronica). She ran off screaming, making a huge fuss over it. It wasn't even her blood. For all she knew I could have been seriously hurt, but do you think she cared? That phony's off my radar again. Then, the moron principal gave me detention for a week! This school's so Vampa-Phobic, it's pathetic!!

When I first arrived at detention, the only seat left was next to this guy Dexter and that totally freaked me out because the guy's mega-weird. Everybody keeps their distance from him because he growls while he eats his food, like some kind of nutbag. All the students call him 'Growley'.

When I was forced to sit next to him in detention, I couldn't help but stare at the freakazoid. That's when I noticed his finger nails didn't look quite right and I think I figured it out: he's a werewolf. It makes sense that he wouldn't tell anyone, because 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' applies to werewolves also.

I don't want to just come out and ask him either, because I can't stand when people do that to me. You'd think I wore a gigantic sign saying I was a Vampire or something. I have a few ideas to find out for sure before I confront him about it.

Fully freekin' confused yet? Start from Week 1 and everything will be explained.

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 08 - 'True Blood' is Wicked Good!

Holy Crap!! Me and Garth started watching that show on HBO, True Blood, this week. Now I know why his mom didn't want me watching it. It's freekin' insane!! And don't you go squealing on me, either.

The main chick on that show, Sookie, is pretty hot, but she never shuts up. And just to make this absolutely clear, I'm not talking about 'Snookie' from that annoying show 'The Jersey Shore'. Those people are the phoniest phonies I've ever seen.

True Blood pretty much portrays vampires totally wrong, just like Twilight, but at least there's no sparkling vampires. Although, they do have this special power that makes them able to control peoples' thoughts. They call it 'Glamouring', which is a completely rediculous name for it - if you ask me. 

In the show, every vampire has a 'Maker', which is the person who turned them into a vampire. And the Maker is like the vampire's boss, or master, or whatever you want to call him.

That is so bogus! I couldn't even imagine having to follow orders from Garth for the rest of my life! But of course, once that dimwit learned about 'Makers', he instantly tried to boss me around by commanding me to clean his room, so I had to nip that in the bud right away.

I might not be the toughest guy in the world, but Garth is a complete wuss. He was convinced he could sell his vampire blood and make millions from it because that's what they do on the show. So he got one of those finger prickers that diabetics use and pricked his pinkie and squeezed a tiny drop of blood out, but the moron fainted from the sight of it!

Remember how I said I have to start meeting with our guidance counselor, Gandork? Well we had our first meeting on Thursday. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, so I think it will be OK if I write about it. So I was sitting there and the first things he says to me is "I see dead people." I'm not joking - just like that little dude from the Sixth Sense. 

I almost crapped my pants!! And don't pretend like that scene didn't freak you out, either.

But then he explained how he talks to them and how SPAM, I mean 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named', is working his way back to the living. The guy's all hell-bent on coming after me just because I accidentally peed in this face when I was a baby. Dude has some serious issues. Gandork says I'm the only one who can stop The Dummy, but he has a plan to help me, so I'll keep you up to date on that. Also, my "Winner" scar (Don't say it!) on my forehead started to burn this week so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with his trying to return.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Wk 07 - Mr. Tumbledore

No update on my lawsuit against 'Twilight'. Vinnie's still building a case.


GANDORK



What a freekin' week! As part of my punishment from the trouble I caused at school a couple of weeks ago, I have to start meeting with the 9th grade guidance counselor, Mr. Tumbledore. Talk about freaks! - This guy should have his own counselor. He's this really old, tall guy with long gray hair. He looks like that dude from Lord of the Rings, Gandolf, so everyone calls him 'Gandork'.

He uses a cane to walk, but I swear he thinks it's some kind of magical staff. Every time he counsels a student to do something, he slams the end of the cane on the floor like he just cast a spell. And they're worried about me! I'm sure he's going to be a major phony, but I'll report more on him next week after we meet.



Mom also made me start hanging out with my idiot cousin, Garth, because she says I need to learn how to be a vampire. Well, that may be true but Garth is the sorriest excuse for a vampire you ever want to meet. I mean, the moron accidentally turned me - if that tells you anything about him.


I shouldn't be writing this, but the reason he became a Vampire is because he signed up for some lame clinical study that was testing a new vaccine to protect agaist Vampirism. Actually, I start laughing hysterically every time I think about how he only got a $50 gift certificate to the mall to find out the vaccine didn't work.  

At least he's 19. That's like the perfect age. Not me - I'M FREEKIN' STUCK IN PUBERTY UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Every third word that comes out of my mouth sounds like some kind of mutant seal. But I suppose it could be worse. There's this kid, Bruno, who was turned when he was 3. But his mind is 15 so he is in my grade. It's a little freaky to watch him, but I've got to admin, that little dude has some sweet moves with the ladies.

Anyway, Garth claims he has been watching this show 'True Blood' that will give us all the instruction we need. But we have to sneak it, because his mom won't let me watch it because it's for adults, which is exactly the kind of CRAP I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life! I'll report back on that next week also.


BTW - I've shortened my catch phrase to just 'Life SUCKS'. It just sounds cooler (plus it's just clever because vampires suck blood and I'm a vampire and all). I'm trying to get a patent on it like that dude who makes a zillion bucks every time someone wants to scream 'Let's get Ready to Rumble'.