Monday, September 27, 2010

Wk 02 - Being a Vampire Sucks!

Being a Vampire sucks! It's nothing like they make it out to be on TV or in the movies. At least not for me. Just think about it - I'm going to be fifteen years old forever. Is there anything cool about that?

I turned into a Vampire only 6 months ago, and believe me, it was not by choice.

It happened at a family kickball game that went horribly wrong. I was playing first base and my phony Vampire cousin, Garth, had just kicked. I was waiting for the catch at first when that moron barrelled into me. (Remind me to tell you the ridiculous story of how he turned in another post).

When he ran into me, his fangs got stuck in my neck so deep, I almost died from the loss of blood. And at that point, I had no choice but to let that dummy fully turn me.

So now I walk around playing this moronic 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' game. It's so stupid - like anyone can't tell I'm a Vampire with these two GINORMOUS teeth sticking out of my head, like I'm a human-walrus or something. And don't bother trying to write in to tell me they can retract like some kind of cool switchblade for the mouth, because that's just another lie those phony TV execs are putting out there.

Mom's been on my case to make news friend's at this new school so I introduced myself to a couple of guys that were playing table coin hockey at the lunch table today. I thought it was going really well until they asked me to put my teeth on the table to make a goal and I swallowed one of their pennies.

What happened to Vampires being scary, anyway? You know - feared. With all these stupid Vampire shows and movies coming out, we have become a big joke. Like everyone's become desensitized.

Well, you know what they say: If you can't 'bite them, join them'.  (A little vampire humour there.)  Seriously though, I'm going to have to do some research on this 21st century vampire thing if I want to fit in.

Tonight, I am going to do what no other heterosexual teenage male would dare be caught doing. I'm going to rent 'Twilight' so I can get some pointers. I would say I'd rather die than suffer that humiliation of being caught with a Twilight DVD, but then I've already done that.

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