Wk 12 - Destroyer of All Vampires

I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.

Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.

And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.

One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!

Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.

Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.

I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber!  I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.

Actually, if she cut those snakes off her head and got rid of the scaly bottom, she's really not that bad looking. Just saying ...

Luckily I only looked at him for a second, so I was just temporarily blinded. It's kind of like looking into the Sun; if you look too long, it's all over. But then his singing started its evil torture on my ears, like fingers scraping on a chalkboard, only like a million times worse! I jumped out of my seat, covered my ears, and ran for the door. What other choice did I have? Only I forgot that I still couldn't see and ended up running into the wall and knocked my self out.

When I woke up, Growley said I was babbling something about Justin Bieber being a Weapon of Mass Destruction to all Vampires. So now you know why I don't expect it to remain a secret for very long. My ears are stills aching.

Now Mom is making me hide out at my cousin's house, because he told her all about make believe Vampire Kings and Queens and how they might come after me for my mistake. Yes - he's still wrapped up in that series, 'True Blood'. I don't think Mom totally believed it, but she said she didn't want to take any chances and that I needed to hide out at Garth's until the whole thing blew over. To be honest with you, she seemed a little excited.

I'm not worried about any fake King's or whatever else Garth is carrying on about, but I am a little freaked that this information about J.B. (you know who I'm talking about) could get to SPAM, or is it 'The Murderer Formerly Known as SPAM', or 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named', or whatever other stupid moronic name that killer is going by these days.

And to top it all off, I talked to Dad this weekend and asked him if he could do some snooping around in the afterworld to find out more about 'The Dummy'. I practically poured my heart out to the man, but he claimed his week was really jam packed with important stuff and asked he could do it next week. UN-FREEKIN'-BELIEVABLE!!

He better be working on solving world hunger or something!


"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Wk 10 - "The Stipulation"

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

Everyone got a big kick out of it (except for Veronica). She ran off screaming, making a huge fuss over it. It wasn't even her blood. For all she knew I could have been seriously hurt, but do you think she cared? That phony's off my radar again. Then, the moron principal gave me detention for a week! This school's so Vampa-Phobic, it's pathetic!!

When I first arrived at detention, the only seat left was next to this guy Dexter and that totally freaked me out because the guy's mega-weird. Everybody keeps their distance from him because he growls while he eats his food, like some kind of nutbag. All the students call him 'Growley'.

When I was forced to sit next to him in detention, I couldn't help but stare at the freakazoid. That's when I noticed his finger nails didn't look quite right and I think I figured it out: he's a werewolf. It makes sense that he wouldn't tell anyone, because 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' applies to werewolves also.

I don't want to just come out and ask him either, because I can't stand when people do that to me. You'd think I wore a gigantic sign saying I was a Vampire or something. I have a few ideas to find out for sure before I confront him about it.

Fully freekin' confused yet? Start from Week 1 and everything will be explained.

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 09 - The Jersey SNORE

I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!

Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.

Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.

There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.

But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'

Think about it - 'The Situation' can go either way. Yeah, it could be a 'good' situation, but it can just as easily be a 'bad' situation (and who wants that). But "The Stipulation" has a certain mystery to it. Like, if you want to go out with me, there are things to consider. It will keep all the babes wondering about me and that's what it's all about. And just so we're clear - this doesn't mean I think 'The Situation' is cool.

The Twilight lawsuit isn't looking good. My lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, has been getting a lot of publicity with all the recent hype over our class action suit and now he's getting all fame-crazed from the attention and talking about going on that new show 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. I guess he's just one more phony in this crappy world.

The only good part of my week was seeing Garth go down in flames. That bonehead's still trying to learn vampire tricks from 'True Blood', so he went out this week and tried to 'Glamour' (still think that's a really stupid name for it) a girl at the mall into going on a date with him. He even included a wave of his hand, like he was some kind of dumb Jedi-Knight Vampire. If only I had taped it on my iPhone - it would have gone viral for sure!

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 08 - 'True Blood' is Wicked Good!

Holy Crap!! Me and Garth started watching that show on HBO, True Blood, this week. Now I know why his mom didn't want me watching it. It's freekin' insane!! And don't you go squealing on me, either.

The main chick on that show, Sookie, is pretty hot, but she never shuts up. And just to make this absolutely clear, I'm not talking about 'Snookie' from that annoying show 'The Jersey Shore'. Those people are the phoniest phonies I've ever seen.

True Blood pretty much portrays vampires totally wrong, just like Twilight, but at least there's no sparkling vampires. Although, they do have this special power that makes them able to control peoples' thoughts. They call it 'Glamouring', which is a completely rediculous name for it - if you ask me. 

In the show, every vampire has a 'Maker', which is the person who turned them into a vampire. And the Maker is like the vampire's boss, or master, or whatever you want to call him.

That is so bogus! I couldn't even imagine having to follow orders from Garth for the rest of my life! But of course, once that dimwit learned about 'Makers', he instantly tried to boss me around by commanding me to clean his room, so I had to nip that in the bud right away.

I might not be the toughest guy in the world, but Garth is a complete wuss. He was convinced he could sell his vampire blood and make millions from it because that's what they do on the show. So he got one of those finger prickers that diabetics use and pricked his pinkie and squeezed a tiny drop of blood out, but the moron fainted from the sight of it!

Remember how I said I have to start meeting with our guidance counselor, Gandork? Well we had our first meeting on Thursday. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, so I think it will be OK if I write about it. So I was sitting there and the first things he says to me is "I see dead people." I'm not joking - just like that little dude from the Sixth Sense. 

I almost crapped my pants!! And don't pretend like that scene didn't freak you out, either.

But then he explained how he talks to them and how SPAM, I mean 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named', is working his way back to the living. The guy's all hell-bent on coming after me just because I accidentally peed in this face when I was a baby. Dude has some serious issues. Gandork says I'm the only one who can stop The Dummy, but he has a plan to help me, so I'll keep you up to date on that. Also, my "Winner" scar (Don't say it!) on my forehead started to burn this week so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with his trying to return.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Wk 07 - Mr. Tumbledore

No update on my lawsuit against 'Twilight'. Vinnie's still building a case.


GANDORK



What a freekin' week! As part of my punishment from the trouble I caused at school a couple of weeks ago, I have to start meeting with the 9th grade guidance counselor, Mr. Tumbledore. Talk about freaks! - This guy should have his own counselor. He's this really old, tall guy with long gray hair. He looks like that dude from Lord of the Rings, Gandolf, so everyone calls him 'Gandork'.

He uses a cane to walk, but I swear he thinks it's some kind of magical staff. Every time he counsels a student to do something, he slams the end of the cane on the floor like he just cast a spell. And they're worried about me! I'm sure he's going to be a major phony, but I'll report more on him next week after we meet.



Mom also made me start hanging out with my idiot cousin, Garth, because she says I need to learn how to be a vampire. Well, that may be true but Garth is the sorriest excuse for a vampire you ever want to meet. I mean, the moron accidentally turned me - if that tells you anything about him.


I shouldn't be writing this, but the reason he became a Vampire is because he signed up for some lame clinical study that was testing a new vaccine to protect agaist Vampirism. Actually, I start laughing hysterically every time I think about how he only got a $50 gift certificate to the mall to find out the vaccine didn't work.  

At least he's 19. That's like the perfect age. Not me - I'M FREEKIN' STUCK IN PUBERTY UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Every third word that comes out of my mouth sounds like some kind of mutant seal. But I suppose it could be worse. There's this kid, Bruno, who was turned when he was 3. But his mind is 15 so he is in my grade. It's a little freaky to watch him, but I've got to admin, that little dude has some sweet moves with the ladies.

Anyway, Garth claims he has been watching this show 'True Blood' that will give us all the instruction we need. But we have to sneak it, because his mom won't let me watch it because it's for adults, which is exactly the kind of CRAP I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life! I'll report back on that next week also.


BTW - I've shortened my catch phrase to just 'Life SUCKS'. It just sounds cooler (plus it's just clever because vampires suck blood and I'm a vampire and all). I'm trying to get a patent on it like that dude who makes a zillion bucks every time someone wants to scream 'Let's get Ready to Rumble'.