Thursday, September 29, 2011

Wk 33 - I'm Not a Dog!

What a freekin' week!! I was actually starting to feel good for once, so I stopped by Starbucks one morning to get myself a Frappachin-O-Positive (my fav -- way better than the Moch-A-Negative).
I didn't have time to drink it before school, so I had to smuggle it into class, and the first second my teacher turned her back to write on the board, I downed it. 


First I got the mother of all brain freezes. Seriously -- it felt like someone blasted ice up my nose. But that wasn't the worst of it. I forgot about the cavities in both my fangs and when the brain freeze went away, the cold blood hitting my teeth made it feel like I was one of those lamo pinatas where the little kids pull the strings. Only those strings were the nerves in my freekin' teeth! It totally sucked ... I mean what's the point in being dead if you can still feel pain, anyway?

After school, I headed straight for the dentist, except my phony idiotic doctor refused to help me because he said my HMO doesn't cover vampires. Can you believe it?

I told Growley (my werewolf buddy ... and in hind sight the first clue that it was a mistake) about my problem, and like a true bro he came through for me. Rushed me right over to his guy.

That might have been OK, except that IDIOT werewolf failed to mention his guy was a freekin' veterinarian! Yeah, he was able to get my teeth out, but do you have any idea how humiliating that was?
They put me under for the procedure, so it wasn't so bad. But when I woke up, I had one of those stupid cone things on, those things they put on dogs heads to keep them from biting at wounds. It made absolutely no freekin' sense. First of all, I'm a human (well OK, a 'Vampire') so I'm not exactly going to be biting myself. And second, the operation happened in my mouth, WHERE I COULD STILL BITE AT IT EVEN IF I WANTED TO?

But Growley insisted that this was the doctor's orders, so what could I do?

 I've got to were this thing for a whole week!

Life Sucks
- Anton

Friday, September 9, 2011

Wk 32 - Marshmallows and Fangs Don't Mix!

Now that my arch nemesis --The Artist Formerly Known as SPAM-- is no longer after me, my "Winner" scar has disappeared. Just like that.

Well, this week the hot Sarah Michelle Gellar looking chick totally figured me out at one of our anti-vampire rallies. The day was wicked hot and I was so freekin' thirsty for some blood. I obviously couldn't drink in front of those phony Vampire Slayers (duh) so my mouth started to salivate.  Next thing you know, one of the marshmallows I had stuck over my fangs to hide them slid off right while I was in the middle of my anti-Vampire speeches.

It totally SUCKS!  Fake Sarah Michelle Gellar blew me off after that - like the Vampire snob that she is.
And if that wasn't bad enough, I ended up with cavities in both fangs because those marshmallows were sitting on them for like 4 days straight.

Garth said he got a cavity in one of his fangs before and he just pulled it out and a new one grew in. It sounded like it might have been a little painful so took a bunch of my mom's pain killers before we went and tried the old string around the tooth trick.

Turns out those fangs are in there pretty good.  I guess it's time for a visit to the freekin' dentist. Ughhh.

Life Sucks!
- Anton

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wk 31 - Stamp the Vamps!

Since I became girlfriendless last week, I was freakin' miserable! No worries, though. I'm back on target with a new hot chick.

I told you how my school did away with its 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy on vampires ... It was the only smart thing my phony priciple did all year. Anyway, some stupid new club claiming to be Vampire Slayers are all bent out of shape about it. I think they've watched too many episodes of that lame-o ancient show 'Buffy the Vampire' - another show blatently putting lies out there.

Those Vampire Slaying Dorks were holding a pointless rally at school with all kinds of stupid slogans, like 'Stamp the Vamps', 'Vampires are Liars', and 'Drink the Blood, Fall in Mud'. OK, I'll admit the last one is a bit catchy, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense.

So I went to confront their leader because I AM a vampire and all. But then I suddenly realized why they call themselves Vampire Slayers. The head chick looks just like Sarah Michelle Gellar (on a side note - how annoying is it when people feel the need to use all three names?). They even called her Buffy.

My point is, she's totally hot!! I changed my plans and decided to join their cause to try and work my way in with her. And don't you go calling me a phony! A vampire has to have priorities.

I just needed a to conceal my teeth so they wouldn't give me away, so I stuffed marshmellows over my fangs and told them I was practicing my Godfather impression. Those suckers bought it hook, line and sinker! I even came up with my own slogan.

"Life Sucks"

Read my blog from the beginning, you phony!