Thursday, September 29, 2011

Wk 33 - I'm Not a Dog!

What a freekin' week!! I was actually starting to feel good for once, so I stopped by Starbucks one morning to get myself a Frappachin-O-Positive (my fav -- way better than the Moch-A-Negative).
I didn't have time to drink it before school, so I had to smuggle it into class, and the first second my teacher turned her back to write on the board, I downed it. 


First I got the mother of all brain freezes. Seriously -- it felt like someone blasted ice up my nose. But that wasn't the worst of it. I forgot about the cavities in both my fangs and when the brain freeze went away, the cold blood hitting my teeth made it feel like I was one of those lamo pinatas where the little kids pull the strings. Only those strings were the nerves in my freekin' teeth! It totally sucked ... I mean what's the point in being dead if you can still feel pain, anyway?

After school, I headed straight for the dentist, except my phony idiotic doctor refused to help me because he said my HMO doesn't cover vampires. Can you believe it?

I told Growley (my werewolf buddy ... and in hind sight the first clue that it was a mistake) about my problem, and like a true bro he came through for me. Rushed me right over to his guy.

That might have been OK, except that IDIOT werewolf failed to mention his guy was a freekin' veterinarian! Yeah, he was able to get my teeth out, but do you have any idea how humiliating that was?
They put me under for the procedure, so it wasn't so bad. But when I woke up, I had one of those stupid cone things on, those things they put on dogs heads to keep them from biting at wounds. It made absolutely no freekin' sense. First of all, I'm a human (well OK, a 'Vampire') so I'm not exactly going to be biting myself. And second, the operation happened in my mouth, WHERE I COULD STILL BITE AT IT EVEN IF I WANTED TO?

But Growley insisted that this was the doctor's orders, so what could I do?

 I've got to were this thing for a whole week!

Life Sucks
- Anton

Friday, September 9, 2011

Wk 32 - Marshmallows and Fangs Don't Mix!

Now that my arch nemesis --The Artist Formerly Known as SPAM-- is no longer after me, my "Winner" scar has disappeared. Just like that.

Well, this week the hot Sarah Michelle Gellar looking chick totally figured me out at one of our anti-vampire rallies. The day was wicked hot and I was so freekin' thirsty for some blood. I obviously couldn't drink in front of those phony Vampire Slayers (duh) so my mouth started to salivate.  Next thing you know, one of the marshmallows I had stuck over my fangs to hide them slid off right while I was in the middle of my anti-Vampire speeches.

It totally SUCKS!  Fake Sarah Michelle Gellar blew me off after that - like the Vampire snob that she is.
And if that wasn't bad enough, I ended up with cavities in both fangs because those marshmallows were sitting on them for like 4 days straight.

Garth said he got a cavity in one of his fangs before and he just pulled it out and a new one grew in. It sounded like it might have been a little painful so took a bunch of my mom's pain killers before we went and tried the old string around the tooth trick.

Turns out those fangs are in there pretty good.  I guess it's time for a visit to the freekin' dentist. Ughhh.

Life Sucks!
- Anton

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wk 31 - Stamp the Vamps!

Since I became girlfriendless last week, I was freakin' miserable! No worries, though. I'm back on target with a new hot chick.

I told you how my school did away with its 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy on vampires ... It was the only smart thing my phony priciple did all year. Anyway, some stupid new club claiming to be Vampire Slayers are all bent out of shape about it. I think they've watched too many episodes of that lame-o ancient show 'Buffy the Vampire' - another show blatently putting lies out there.

Those Vampire Slaying Dorks were holding a pointless rally at school with all kinds of stupid slogans, like 'Stamp the Vamps', 'Vampires are Liars', and 'Drink the Blood, Fall in Mud'. OK, I'll admit the last one is a bit catchy, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense.

So I went to confront their leader because I AM a vampire and all. But then I suddenly realized why they call themselves Vampire Slayers. The head chick looks just like Sarah Michelle Gellar (on a side note - how annoying is it when people feel the need to use all three names?). They even called her Buffy.

My point is, she's totally hot!! I changed my plans and decided to join their cause to try and work my way in with her. And don't you go calling me a phony! A vampire has to have priorities.

I just needed a to conceal my teeth so they wouldn't give me away, so I stuffed marshmellows over my fangs and told them I was practicing my Godfather impression. Those suckers bought it hook, line and sinker! I even came up with my own slogan.

"Life Sucks"

Read my blog from the beginning, you phony!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Wk30 : Blood Pong and Smurfs

Great Freekin' News!  I can finally stop looking over my back waiting for that phony SPAM to attack. But I am kind of pissed though ... that dumb-ass actually got a multimillion dollar contract for doing something even more evil than killing all of the people in the world named Anton. I'm sure you've heard that Oprah retired from the talk show business. Well now the industry is looking for the next top blood-sucking talk show host.

SPAM naturally changed his name - again. Afterall, he couldn't exactly go on TV with a name that stands for the 'Self Proclaimed Anton Murderer'. So the loser changed it to SMURF, which stands for Serial-killers Most Under Rated Fellon. It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard of. I'm even embarrassed to say the man was once my arch enemy!

All this just gives me another reason to hate the Smurfs!! They're all just bunch of little phonies with their blue skin, and the dumb freekin' way they attach the word smurf to almost everything they say. It's no wonder GargaSmell was always trying to do away with them.

I never really had a problem with the blue little freaks until Garth made me go to the Smurf movie with him last Friday night. It was a result of a Blood Pong tournament gone wrong. The only reason that moron beat me was because I tripped over one of his stupid Thomas the Train tracks, which he claims he doesn't play with any more but refuses to take down.

Because I lost, I had to go to the movie dressed as a Smurf. Of course, this was a good thing to that dummy because he dressed up as well. Ever since he found out they made a real life movie version of the Smurfs, he's been a giddy idiot.

I'm a man though - I honored my agreement and went to that dumb movie looking like a Smurf Toolbag. Luckily, we got kicked out of the movie theater before it even started. I was really freekin' pissed off at Garth for making me wear the dumb costume, so I went for the jugular and told him that the Fraggles could kick the Smurf's ass. LMAO! 

It got him all wound up, to the point where he forgot we were standing in line with a bunch of children. We got into a Bite Fight, and pretty much ended up spraying blood all over the theater lobby. Trust me when I tell you - it was a Blood-Smurfing-Bath!

The way my luck has been going lately, of course Hermy found out how I "traumatized those poor little children" and broke up with me. Who needs her and her unpronounceable name anyway!

Life Sucks
- Anton

Don't be a phony - read my story from the beginning!

Friday, June 24, 2011


This is totally insane!! I found out this week that I can talk to snakes.

I took Hermy on a second date to the city zoo. It was the perfect place because, A) I figured I could take her through all the scary animals which would freak her out and make her want to stay real close to me and B) I've been feeling a little weak lately, so I wanted to scope out the Lion's cage for another late night Lion's Blood run with Garth.

Anyway, I was waiting in line in the reptile area when my "Winning" scar (you know - the one that Moron Who Has No Name gave me) started burning real bad. Then I looked over at a cage and realized a snake was talking to me. I know your thinking I've gone off the deep end, but WHATEVER - I'm telling you the truth. I tried to talk back but I couldn't quite get the sounds down.

When I told Gandork about my new power, he told me 'the Dummy Who Has No Name' can also talk to snakes. Says I'm called a 'Parsley Mouth' (I think). Pretty odd name for it if you ask me, but it gave me an idea. I took Hermy back to the zoo so that I could try talking to the snake again. But this time I shoved a bunch of parsley in my mouth so that I could make the right sounds. And it actually worked!! As a bonus, I'm thinking it really turned Hermy on to me also!

It's kind of cool that I have this power, but really - what the heck am I ever going to freakin' use it for?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Wk 28 - Snogging Rulz!

I'm so stoked after my first date with Hermy! It went really good. OK, it may have started off a tad shaky, but I eventually found my groove. Now I'm pretty sure she can't wait to go on another date with me.

I took her out on Wednesday night, and since I'm going to be freekin' fifteen years old for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be able to get my license. So I had to get my idiot cousin Garth to drive us around. I dressed him up in an old suit to make it look like I hired a limo driver for the night, but I have a feeling Hermy wasn't buying it.

I pulled off the ultimate romantical move during dinner. I remembered seeing a movie once where these two dogs eat spaghetti off the same plate. Supposedly, chicks really dig stuff like that. So that gave me the idea to order a raw steak for the two of us. I was definitely 'winning' on that situation because she could eat the meat and I could drink the blood left on the bottom of the plate. But I'm thinking she was really trying to impress me by watching her figure because she hardly ate any.

During the middle of dinner, she leaned over and told me she couldn't wait to do some 'snogging' with me later in the night. I had absolutely no clue what that meant. The only thing I knew for sure was that it was something she really wanted to do, so I was desperate to find out.

Before we left the restaurant, I pretended like I was going to go to the bathroom, but I snuck outback where one of the cooks was taking a smoke break. The guy was a freekin' jerk. I told him I'd give him some money for a 'snogging' lesson and he instantly punched me in the face. Now normally, I would have unloaded a can of my Lion's Blood fury on him, except that I had to get back to my date.

I figured by the cook's reaction, 'snogging' must have meant something to do with 'snuggling'. Right? Made sense - chicks are all about that. But I still wasn't 100% sure, because otherwise she would have just said 'snuggling'.

Then it all clicked. I knew what she was after. Once we got back to the house, I grabbed my laptop and got real close to her on the coach so that we could do some blogging together.  Snogging = Snuggling While Blogging. Brilliant! I blogged some really romantic poems that I made up on the spot to really get her into me.

"Snogging Rulz!"
- Anton

Monday, April 11, 2011

Wk 27 - New Moon = New Lie

My werewolf friend, Growley, is such a freekin' baby! One little mishap and he starts crying like a little girl. I mean, look at all the things that happened to me this year. Do you see me whining about it?

I'm talking about something that happened yesterday. Me and Growley were fulfilling a completely bogus deal we made with our phoney Principal to let us come back to school. To be freekin' mascots! Well, during the Wednesday night football game, it was half time and we had planned a special treat for the audience.

I don't know why Growley's so mad - I was the one dressed up like an idiotic beaver. He just had to be himself - a wolf.

Anyway, I figured since we had to do it, we might as well give the crowd a show. Now this is going to go against everything I've said about that lame movie, Twilight, but I went rented the second movie 'New Moon' ... for Growley's sake. What? - I heard there were werewolves in it, and I figured even though they totally portrayed us Vampires all wrong, maybe there would be some accurate tips on being a werewolf.

So renting Twilight the first time was really embarrassing, but watching it alone ... with another dude ... really shakes one's masculinity. But it was all in the name of science and research.

And lucky we did, because if we hadn't, we'd have never learned about the 'Jump-N-Turn' move. That's what we named the maneuver where a werewolf jumps into the air and turns completely into a full fledged wolf. Between me and you I'm kind of jealous because the move is pretty sick.

The only problem was there was no time for Growley to practice it, but it looked easy enough (jump and turn), so I suggested Growley just go and do it at half time. We were under the bleachers at the time where the crowd couldn't see us.

Before he ran out into the stadium, I suggested he take his clothes off, which may have been the point at which the plan went south. But, it made perfect sense. In every werewolf movie I've ever watched, when the werewolf turns, he rips the crap out of his clothes. So I was just looking out for my buddy by preventing that from happening. Am I wrong??

Obviously Growley bought into my suggestion and stripped down to his birthday suit. As soon as he cleared the bleachers, he jumped so that he would change into full wolf form before everyone could see him naked.

OK, so it didn't exactly work out that way. He just needs a little more practice ... and maybe a cup next time. Ouch!

'Life Sucks'
- Anton

Read my blog from the beginning you phonies!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Wk 26 - Bite Club Bites

Well, 'Bite Club' is done. Fake Brad Pitt started getting really wacked out. He called a special meeting to make soap with all of the members and they all got really into it. How lame is that! So me and Growley kicked everyone out of the house and told them the club was over. Those losers didn't even care - they ran off and formed 'Soap Club'. LOSER PHONIES!

At first I was buggin' out because my plan was use Bite Club to fight 'The Loser Who Has No Name', but then I remembered that I have Lion's Blood. Think about it - I'm a Vampire with Lion's Blood. I'M IN-FREEKIN' DESTRUCTIBLE!!

I am kind of stoked about one thing. Fake Brad Pitt's girlfriend finally got sick of pretending she was
Angelina Jolie and broke up with him. I guess it turns out he had a right to be jealous because the first thing she did was ask me out. Can you believe it - a hot babe like that! With me! I mean ... yeah, I think I'll give the poor girl a shot.

The only problem is I can't pronounce her name. It's spelled H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E. I've got no clue ... so I just call her 'Hermy' which works because hot chicks are all into being called cute nick names. I'm still a little unsure about this girl, though, because she is really smart and has a kind of know-it-all attitude.  But I'm willing to overlook that to have a hot babe by my side.

Now that I'm back to school, I get to talk to Gandork again. (You know him - the crazy old man who thinks he's a wizard.) Anyway, I was waiting for him in his office one day and noticed there was a big bowl of some wierd clay on his desk.  I was bored so I started to sculpt a volcano with it. It looked pretty good, actually.
When he walked in I was eager to tell him about my new Lion's blood, but that old phony geezer shushed me. He was holding his pretend wand up to his head and really concentrating hard. I saw in a movie once that wizards can pull memories from their heads and then put them in a bowl to watch them. (Hey - I didn't make it up.) I figured that's what he was up to.

<gag> MAN WAS I WRONG! <gag> He used the stupid freekin' bowl alright, but not exactly for what I thought. Turns out it wasn't memories he was extracting from his head; just GINORMOUS HUNKS OF WAX that he was digging out of his ear. <gag>

Just thinking about that hot - sticky ... UGHHH - gotta go .... gonna puke again ....

"Life <gag> Sucks"
- Anton

Read from the beginning.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wk 25 - Who Needs Tiger's Blood

I was doing a lot of thinking earlier this week. That old dude, Charlie Sheen, is like some kind of freekin' genius! I mean just look at the guy - he's living like a rockstar. And Winning! He's got a million hot chicks wanting to be his girlfriend which he says is all because he has tiger blood. So I grabbed Garth last night and headed to the zoo after it closed.

But I wasn't interested in Tiger's Blood.  Why should I settle for that when I can get the real winner. LION'S BLOOD! Am I right?

Nobody was around so I thought it would be a piece of cake to just sneak into one of the lion's dens and drink a little blood.

The plan was simple - I just loaded Garth up with a bunch of raw, bloody steaks and sent him into the lion's cage to distract it. It worked awesomely! Until Garth ran out of meat. But by that time, I had already jumped on the lion's back, and the only way I was going to get it off of Garth was to drink enough blood to make the lion pass out.

Seriously, I must have drank two gallons of that lion's blood (which was pretty tasty) before it got woozy and collapsed. And don't you phonies go yelling 'animal cruelty' because the blood I took from it was easily replaced from the blood he got out of Garth. Yeah, it'll probably turn into a Vampion or something like that, but nobody should notice. And, well Garth's already dead ... so it's no biggie.

NOW I'M THE FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR! Just before I sat down to write this blog entry, I opened the pickle lid jar for Garth's mom with no trouble at all. I don't have to tell you how tight those lids usually are. And I didn't even have to run it under hot water.

Who needs tiger's blood. ... I'VE GOT LION'S BLOOD, BABY!!

"Life Rocks!"
- Anton

Read from Week 1

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wk 24 - Winning

Did I mention being a Vampire sucks? Well it does. ROYALLY!

I had my fight with that freakazoid Brad Pitt wannabe this week. And I'm still healing from it. I trained like some kind of bite-fighting olympian for the last two weeks for that match because I knew that wack-job was getting all pumped up watching 'Troy' and 'Interview with a Vampire'. So I knew it wasn't going to be easy to beat him.

I decided some karate lessons were in order. That's right, I spent the whole last week studying the Karate Kid movies, old and new. I felt like a king-fu biting genious after that.

When the fight actually started, I was so nervous I forgot to take off my sweatshirt. That's a cardinal rule of Bite Club, you know.  NO SHIRTS!  It's kind of creepy.

Anyway, the fight started, and since I still had my hoodie on, I decided to 'hang up the jacket'. Yeah, you know the move I'm talking about ... the one where Jaden Smith spent like a week just hanging up that stupid freekin' jacket. It would have been an awsome move if my left arm didn't get stuck in the sleeve. That's when Pitt took a good bite out of that arm. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!

Then he went for the other arm, so I used a little 'wax on'. It worked perfectly until I followed it up with a 'paint the fence' and actually painted my hand right up into his fangs. Again - NOT PLEASANT!!

After two minutes, I had more holes in me than that dumb movie called 'Holes'. (give me a break you phonies, it's the best I could come up with) Anyway we took a 30 second break, which gave me the perfect opportunity to set up my secret weapon move. It's a combination of that kick-ass move where Ralph Macchio from the first Karate Kid stands on one leg, and Jaden Smith's wicked snake charming mind control thing from the new Karate Kid. You should have saw me - I looked like a FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR!


It's lucky for that Brad Pitt that I passed out from all the blood loss, or I surely would have brought the fangs down on him.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Quit being like all the other phonies - read from the beginning!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wk 23 - School Spirit!

Well, me and Growley went back to school this week. And that would have been fine, except our Bite Club members really screwed us. They told me they talked to the principle and came to "an agreement" (you know <wink><wink>) about me and Growley being allowed back to school.

So it turns out "an agreement" doesn't mean they ruffed the Pricipal up some. Those boneheads actually made a deal with the man for us to come back to school. And now that stupid phony principal is making us be mascots for the school's sporting events. REALLY - How lame is that! Growley gets to be a wolf - which isn't all that bad. Not me! The best they come up for me is a beaver. He said my teeth would fit in perfect. If I ever develop real vampire skills, that man is the first person I'm going to visit!!

I saw the love of my life,Veronica, in the hall for the first time in a month; she seems to be over the whole blood-spilling incident, although for some reason she has developed a strange twitch and is kind of jumpy. I bet some loser jerk is giving her a hard time. I better stay extra close to her to make sure she's OK.

"Life Sucks"  -  especially as a beaver!
- Anton

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wk 22 - The Getaway


Lady Gaga showed up in an egg at the Grammy's. I mean - ummm - that's what I've been told ... I couldn't watch because I was busy doing something more manly, like watching a Monster Truck Rally.
Did you see the egg she showed up in? It looked just like an egg from the movie Alien. Just Saying.

You can go ahead and pretend like it's nothing to worry about, but I'm gonna keep an eye out on that one. If you saw the movie, then you'd know their trick is to get you all comfortable around them, and then plant an alien in your stomach when your not looking.

As a matter of fact, my stomach started hurting on Monday night, and I was convinced that one of those little gut-busting freaks was trying to pop out of me, so I made Garth take me to the emergency room. It ended up being just some gas from bad Deer blood that I drank the night before, but I didn't want to take any chances.

Then, the hospital wouldn't let us leave because they said Obama's new health care plan didn't cover Vampires. That's when Garth tried to do his Jedi trick on them (you know - his make believe Vampire mind control thing), so I took that opportunity and slipped out of the hospital while no was watching me. I haven't seen Garth back yet - hopefully he got away. Oh well.

This Bite Club thing is getting a little out of hand. There's like 100 members now and they're starting to get really rowdy - talking about a Vampire revolution and all. I need to find a way to chill them out.

My fight with Brad Pitt is scheduled for next week which is kind of tweaking me out. His girl, Himerionitori (whatever), keeps trying to talk to me and it's only making him more mental. I hear he's been watching Troy over and over to get pumped.

One good thing did come out of Bite Club this week, though - if you want to call it that. Some of the members "convinced" our school principal to let me and Growley back in school.  I'm not sure what they said to him, but something tells me I don't want to know!

At least now I'll get my chance to smooth things over with Veronica.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Read my blog from the beginning, you big phony!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Wk 21 : Bite Night

Man - a bunch of crap went down this week!

First, I got an update on 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named'. Dad filled me in during one of his usual unannounced pop-ins.

He said that SPAM's starting to gather an army of fellow Anton-Name-Haters. They call themselves Anton Eaters. That maniac is really starting to piss me off! I mean, how humiliating would it be getting taken down by someone called an 'Anton Eater', anyway! Let's just hope it doesn't get to that.

Obviously SPAM doesn't realize that I'm one of the founders of Bite Club. Shoot - I practically have my own army ready to follow me to war. So if you're reading this, Dummy Formerly Known as SPAM, with that stupid crop circle symbol you changed your name to (which isn't even cool looking), BRING IT ON!

Enough of that butt-head though, I've got another bonehead to worry about at the moment. Brad Pitt. His girlfriend - you know, the one who's name I can't pronounce (something like Herminoriteeoneeity) was having a simple conversation with me, so Brad-the jealous-psychopath-Pitt, (aka 'Glen', but don't call him that) challenged me to a Bite-Off.

A Bite-Off is a special Steel-Cage Match that we hold on Bite Night where you bite-fight until the other person has lost so much blood, they can't move. But we don't actually have a steel cage, so we create a circle in Garth's basement using some of his old Thomas-the-Train tracks. Between us, I think he still plays with them because he gets all bent out of shape if you accidently step on them.

I know it sounds pretty gruesome, but we're already dead, so it's really not a big deal. Of course, that doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell if I lose. I've been taking an extra protein blood supplement to prepare for it.

'Life Sucks'
- Anton

Don't be a phony - read from the beginning!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wk 20 - Garth's A.I. Audition

Rule 1 - You do not talk about Bite Club.
Rule 2, You DO NOT talk about Bite Club.
That's the rules we've laid down for Bite Club so far. Yeah, yeah - I know the second rule is the same as the first one, but trust me - when we're telling it to new members, it sounds really cool. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway. The dummies joining our club don't listen - and Brad Pitt has already pretty much told the entire world about Bite Club! 

BTW - I found out Brad Pitt's real name is Glen. When he introduced us to his girlfriend (whose name I can't pronounce, but is a total babe), she slipped and called him by his real name. He spazzed out on her. The dude is way obsessed with Brad! Probably has a whole shrine of Brad Pitt pictures in his room or something. Creeps me the freek out! But this is what I've been saying - just another hot chick falling for some phony dude.

I think about twenty guys have joined the club so far. It's a pretty even split between werewolves and vampires. Who knew there were so many teenage dudes with pent up anger issues?
We wanted to find an old warehouse to hold 'Bite Night' (that's what we call the night of the week when we get together to hold our bite fights), but there were no abandoned buildings so we had to settle for Garth's basement, which gets really cramped. And smelly!

Some of the members have even developed their own characters like they're in the WWF or something. It's really stupid if you ask me! My idiot cousin came up with 'Garth Vader', but once he realized that he couldn't actually bite through his helmet, he switched gears.

The highlight of Monday night was seeing Bruno bite down Garth. I'm embarassed to call him my cousin, let alone my maker!

Speaking of Garth, he had his big audition with American Idol this week. It was even more hysterical than I thought it would be. We had to go into the city, which was a new experience for Garth. He discovered a whole new style that inspired him.

You know how dudes wear their pants in the city, half way down their legs? It's not my cup of tea, but Garth got all excited and made some adjustments to his look just before they called his ticket. That dweeb has no clue! Just wait 'til you see!

Apparently, he didn't notice that you are supposed to keep your underwear up! I just hope they decide to show it on TV. Trust me - it'll be even better than that Chinese dude who couldn't sing a few years back. And he gives an all new meaning to the song 'Pants on the Ground'.

Those phonies kicked us out of there pretty fast after that. Now that I'm thinking about it, they may not air it. That'll be a load of steamy crap if that's the case!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton 

Don't be a phony! - Read from the beginning.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Wk 19 - Bored

I'm so freekin' bored!  I've been stuck in this stupid house listening to Garth sing all week since being suspended from my phony school. American Idol is coming around for their usual open auditions soon and that idiot has the idea in his head that he has a shot. Probably because I told him he has great natural talent and that he would blow the judges away.

OK, so between me and you, a shrieking bird sounds better than him. But trust me, it'll be a wicked good laugh for all of us when they air it on TV. Now he's walking around all proud and full of himself, like some kind of Vampire Diva. Hey - I had to do something to keep from going insane with boredom.

Mom is so pissed at me, she won't even speak to me for the blood-spilling Shakespeare incident. I tried to explain that it was all Growley's doing, but she was not buying it. Growley got it even worse from his mom. She made him stay in their dog's outside kennel all week. And in fact, he's all scratched up now, because he tried to steel the dog's bone one night during one of his "sleep walking episodes". What can I say - best friends are hard to come by!

Actually, speaking of the Play, I should thank you readers, because one of you made a good point in the comments section by explaining that all Shakespeare Plays end in tragedy. Well, I read between the lines and realized that what you were really saying was that me and Growley made the Play even better by creating a whole new tragic ending. Now it's only a matter of time before Veronica understands that and comes running into my arms. 

'C' called me today. (that's Santa Clause - we're pretty tight now) I thought he would have cooled off with his busy time of year over and all, but I was wrong. Sounds like his elves are busting his chops pretty good. When he was working Christmas Eve, a bunch of them got drunk on spiked eggnog and decorated his whole house with Lady Gaga posters and statues. 'C' got even with them, though. He weeded out the guilty elves and put them on reindeer poop cleanup all year. Anyway, he's sending me to one of Gaga's concerts in a couple of weeks to get some dirt on her. Just more punishment as far as I'm concerned.

Actually there was one good thing that came out of this week. Since Growley's been banned to his dog's kennel all week, he's been hanging around here a lot. One night, at around two o'clock in the morning we decided to make a slushy run to the local 7-11. Halfway there we started arguing over who's fault the blood spill really was. Next think I know, that wacko bites me on the arm. So I did the obvious thing and bit him back. And just quit your judging, right now! Yeah, it may sound a little unusual, but remember - it's instinct for us so don't go spreading rumors that we're weird or something.

After about five minutes of trying to bite each another, we both fell down exhausted and laughed our butts off. That's when some strange dude with short spikey hair and a bag full of soap (yes, soap!) came out of nowhere and started talking to us. He said his name was Brad Pitt (no - not the the real one). A bit odd, don't you think?

Turns out he's a Vampire too. He asked join our club, and that's when we came up with an AWESOME idea! We decided to start a club for "our kind" of people - where we wouldn't be discriminated against. And where we wouldn't have to worry about 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. We call it "BITE CLUB".

I've got a good feeling about this- it's gonna be epic!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Read from Wk 01.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wk 18 - The Ultimate Prank

I don't know why I'm updating this stupid blog, but I have nothing else to do since I was suspended from school. That's right, those freekin' phonies suspended me! Hopefully your year is starting out better than mine.

And things were really starting to turn around for me, too. Growley finally admitted he was a werewolf, SPAM came back without a nose (still laughing about that one), and I got picked to play Romeo in the school play with Veronica. She was really warming up to me.

By the night of the play, I was even more nervous than the time Garth intentionally staked me with a wooden kitchen spoon (there's a story I'll have to tell you about some time), but I managed to get dressed and make it to school. Once I was there, Veronica pulled me aside to give me a special pep talk which made me feel a whole lot better. She is so awesome!

A little into the play, she was doing that famous scene were she calls my name out (well, Romeo's name). The only thought in my mind was, 'At last, I am going to be able to kiss my sweet Veronica'.  In fact, I completely zoned out the auditorium full of people by that point. And why not - I figured me and Veronica would be so good in the scene together that the audience would have to give us a (what do they call it) 'Standing Ovulation' and then, finally, she would see that we were meant for each other ... just like our characters.

Of course, that dumb, stupid, idiotic, jerk of a friend of mine, decided it was time for his master prank. I was still back stage just waiting for my big entrance when I saw Growley above me in the rafters with a huge dopey grin on that hairy freekin' face of his ... and I knew he was up to something bad! I didn't have a choice; I had to run up there to stop him.

Well, from running all the way up there, I was pretty much out of breath. Plus, I'm not really too good with heights ... and trust me - it was wicked high up there. My legs were shaking real bad as I ran over to Growley, and that's when I tripped and hit the bucket.

First, let me explain how wolf-boy came up with this insane idea. One day, a couple of weeks ago, I showed up at his house while he was watching this stone-age movie from the 80's that was about a girl with something called ESP (which I'm guessing stands for 'Extra Stupid Person'). The movie is called 'Carrie', and at the end of it, these phony morons in the movie play a terrible prank on her. Check out this scene from Carrie (which was Growley's grand inspiration) and you'll see what I'm talking about. Warning - if your young, do not watch, because it will definitely freak you out!

The prank was obviously a complete disaster, which is why Growley should have thought twice about his scheme ... but, of course, that brings me back to my story.

So there I was, running on the plank which was probably like a thousand feet high, when I tripped and fell into a bucket that was hanging over the stage with ... you guessed it ... pig's blood. (btw - I have to remember to ask Growley where he got it because it tasted pretty darn good.) Of course, he was waiting to dump the blood on me, but it ended up all over poor, sweet Veronica instead.

All the kids in the audience just pointed and laughed because they thought it was part of the show, but the adults got really freaked out and ran out the doors (probably because they saw 'Carrie' and knew how it ended). Believe me, I was booking out of there too. When Veronica looked up at me, I thought for certain I was going to burst into flames or something at any moment. IT WAS NOT A GOOD SCENE!! And to make things worse, Bruno (you know - the stupid little Vampire dude in my grade that looks like he's about five) got all worked up from the smell of fresh pig's blood and attacked Veronica.

Now me and Growley are just kind of hanging out at home until the school decides a proper punishment for us. Oh well ... at least Growley finally admitted that we're even now.

Happy Freekin' New Year ...

"Life REALLY Sucks!"
- Anton

Read from the beginning.