Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Wk 28 - Snogging Rulz!

I'm so stoked after my first date with Hermy! It went really good. OK, it may have started off a tad shaky, but I eventually found my groove. Now I'm pretty sure she can't wait to go on another date with me.

I took her out on Wednesday night, and since I'm going to be freekin' fifteen years old for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be able to get my license. So I had to get my idiot cousin Garth to drive us around. I dressed him up in an old suit to make it look like I hired a limo driver for the night, but I have a feeling Hermy wasn't buying it.

I pulled off the ultimate romantical move during dinner. I remembered seeing a movie once where these two dogs eat spaghetti off the same plate. Supposedly, chicks really dig stuff like that. So that gave me the idea to order a raw steak for the two of us. I was definitely 'winning' on that situation because she could eat the meat and I could drink the blood left on the bottom of the plate. But I'm thinking she was really trying to impress me by watching her figure because she hardly ate any.

During the middle of dinner, she leaned over and told me she couldn't wait to do some 'snogging' with me later in the night. I had absolutely no clue what that meant. The only thing I knew for sure was that it was something she really wanted to do, so I was desperate to find out.

Before we left the restaurant, I pretended like I was going to go to the bathroom, but I snuck outback where one of the cooks was taking a smoke break. The guy was a freekin' jerk. I told him I'd give him some money for a 'snogging' lesson and he instantly punched me in the face. Now normally, I would have unloaded a can of my Lion's Blood fury on him, except that I had to get back to my date.

I figured by the cook's reaction, 'snogging' must have meant something to do with 'snuggling'. Right? Made sense - chicks are all about that. But I still wasn't 100% sure, because otherwise she would have just said 'snuggling'.

Then it all clicked. I knew what she was after. Once we got back to the house, I grabbed my laptop and got real close to her on the coach so that we could do some blogging together.  Snogging = Snuggling While Blogging. Brilliant! I blogged some really romantic poems that I made up on the spot to really get her into me.

"Snogging Rulz!"
- Anton

Monday, April 11, 2011

Wk 27 - New Moon = New Lie

My werewolf friend, Growley, is such a freekin' baby! One little mishap and he starts crying like a little girl. I mean, look at all the things that happened to me this year. Do you see me whining about it?

I'm talking about something that happened yesterday. Me and Growley were fulfilling a completely bogus deal we made with our phoney Principal to let us come back to school. To be freekin' mascots! Well, during the Wednesday night football game, it was half time and we had planned a special treat for the audience.

I don't know why Growley's so mad - I was the one dressed up like an idiotic beaver. He just had to be himself - a wolf.

Anyway, I figured since we had to do it, we might as well give the crowd a show. Now this is going to go against everything I've said about that lame movie, Twilight, but I went rented the second movie 'New Moon' ... for Growley's sake. What? - I heard there were werewolves in it, and I figured even though they totally portrayed us Vampires all wrong, maybe there would be some accurate tips on being a werewolf.

So renting Twilight the first time was really embarrassing, but watching it alone ... with another dude ... really shakes one's masculinity. But it was all in the name of science and research.

And lucky we did, because if we hadn't, we'd have never learned about the 'Jump-N-Turn' move. That's what we named the maneuver where a werewolf jumps into the air and turns completely into a full fledged wolf. Between me and you I'm kind of jealous because the move is pretty sick.

The only problem was there was no time for Growley to practice it, but it looked easy enough (jump and turn), so I suggested Growley just go and do it at half time. We were under the bleachers at the time where the crowd couldn't see us.

Before he ran out into the stadium, I suggested he take his clothes off, which may have been the point at which the plan went south. But, it made perfect sense. In every werewolf movie I've ever watched, when the werewolf turns, he rips the crap out of his clothes. So I was just looking out for my buddy by preventing that from happening. Am I wrong??

Obviously Growley bought into my suggestion and stripped down to his birthday suit. As soon as he cleared the bleachers, he jumped so that he would change into full wolf form before everyone could see him naked.

OK, so it didn't exactly work out that way. He just needs a little more practice ... and maybe a cup next time. Ouch!

'Life Sucks'
- Anton

Read my blog from the beginning you phonies!