Thursday, December 23, 2010

WK 17 - Merry Freekin' Christmas!

It was another crazy week! Gandork's been really jumpy lately. I mean - yeah, he's usually doing something weird or freaky, but lately he's been going over the deep end. Just this morning he was running around the halls of the school like a madman, slamming his cane on the ground and screaming "Expelliarmus", "Expelliarmus".

All the students in the hall scattered thinking the old make-believe wizard finally went over the deep end with poser spells that he made up. Between me and you, I kind felt sorry for the crazy old coot, so I asked him if he was OK.

I found out he was just saying "Expel  E.Airmus". Some phony with the name Eric Airmus had posted pictures of Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings all over the school with Mr. Tumbledore's face pasted over the top of it. Alright ... so it was a little funny, but he didn't have to go and humiliate Gandork like that! If I was him, I would want that jerk, Eric Airmus, expelled too.

Dad popped up this week with his usual bad timing, and while I was in the bathroom singing some completely rediculous song, of course. Once the stupid song's in your head, it's impossible to get it out! But that's beside the point - the man has no respect for privacy. He just floats in and out without knocking!

Dad told me the 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' managed to form back into his own body ... but wait till you hear this. For some reason, his face didn't fully grow in, and now he has no nose. He looks completely lame. Serves that phony killer right!

One of his minions gave him a pair of sunglasses as a gag welcome-back gift. But since 'The Dummy' had no nose to hold them up, they fell right off. SPAM probably would have killed the guy, but he ended up laughing so hard, he choked to death.

I'm so freekin' tired because I haven't slept in days! Growley has me completely wigging out with paranoia over the grand master prank he's been planning on me. Stupid Werewolf! - I wish he would just get it over with already!

Got in some hot water with the big guy this week. I'm talking about Santa Claus, of course. It kind of just dawned on me Christmas Eve as I was getting ready for bed.

Ever notice the man never gets older? I mean, he has to be like 200 years old or something. That's when I realized that he must be a Vampire. Makes sense, right?

I made the idiotic mistake of replacing his usual glass of milk with a mug of warm cow's blood to go with his cookies. I figured if he's a Vampire, he would really appreciate a nice warm glass of blood, and then I would be in good with the Jolly Old Vamp forever. ... and I've really been wanting the new iPhone 4.

My plan didn't turn out as I'd expected. Let's just say it wasn't one of my brightest ideas. In case your wondering, Santa is NOT a Vampire. Jeez - you'd think he'd look to see what's in a cup before drinking it blindly. He's all angry because Lady Gaga bit the head off a stuffed Santa doll while she was on stage this week. And now he's fuming over it and taking it out on me!

Anyway, I hope you all have a Merry Freekin' Christmas ... except for the phonies!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wk 16 - A Midnight Snack

The Stygian twins finally called this week. They're the girls I told you about that me and Garth met on Thanksgiving night when we got drunk on Vampire Wine. We met up with them, but decided they just weren't right for us, so we let them down easy. Please NEVER bring the subject of the Stygian twins up to me again.

This past week, I was really getting sick of sleeping at Garth's house, so I asked Growley if I could crash at his house one night to get a break from Garth's disgusting toxic room. At first it was all good - I was fast asleep on his couch. But then, an incident happened. Something so wickedly disturbing, I don't think I'll ever get over it.

It was like two o'clock in the middle of the night when I woke up to itch my leg. I thought maybe a mosquito had bitten me ... but I was WRONG. It was Growley! AND HE WAS GNAWING ON MY LEG!! I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but that is the absolute INSANE FREEKIN' TRUTH!

He said I was carrying on like a girl, and claimed that it was only a little sleep walking episode. Sure, my Vampire skin healed up fine over the next couple of days, but that's not the point. We're talking about my friend trying to eat my leg, people! After that, I forced him to confront his mom, and she FINALLY told him the truth about his Werewolf background.

Anyway, I figured at least we were even from me dumping the rotting animals on him and all, but he doesn't see it that way because he says I meant to throw the animals on him. Whatever!  Between me and you, I'm not buying his sleepwalking story. He says he planning this master prank on me to settle that score, so now I'm walking around completely freekin' paranoid.

Aside from almost getting eaten by my best friend this week, I've decided my main goal this year is to get a girlfriend. Let's face it, the older I get the harder it will be since I'll be stuck in this 15 yr old body forever.

I really like that Veronica chick and I know we've started out on a few bad notes, but I'm pretty sure I can win her heart. I found out that she is playing the lead role of Juliet in the school play, so I tried out for Romeo and got it! Yeah, yeah ... I know what you're thinking - school plays are totally dorky, especially with the nerdy way you have to talk in them like "What light through yonder window breaks?". I mean, what does that even mean? But hey ... a Vampire's gotta do what a Vampire's gotta do.

I have to admit, this acting thing is pretty hard work. I have to remember a ton of lines by next week's opening. And I'm pretty sure the play is in a totally made up language from that Shakesfear person. I really hope Veronica appreciates everything I'm doing for her.

And of course my scar's burning more than ever. Gandork says it's because 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named' is getting stronger. So now he wants me to start training to prepare for my fight with him.

That's when I finally confessed to him that I'm a Vampire, just in case it was important in planning my whole destined duel to the death thing. Gandork then confided in me that he is really a wizard posing as a school guidance counselor. I gotta tell ya, it was almost freekin' impossible to not laugh right there in his face. How am I supposed to trust my life in the hands of this lunatic, anyway?!?

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Before you go judging me, get all the facts and read from the beginning.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wk 15 - Banned!

I can't believe I'm actually glad to be back writing this annoying blog. Last week, that big jerk Gandork told Mom he was concerned about my stress level, so she came up with the dumb idea to take me to Disney World. That might have been cool ten years ago, but I'm fifteen now. The only good thing was seeing those princesses walking around in their costumes - especially that Pocahontas. Still - everything else was a total disaster.

For one thing, Garth and Aunt Celia decided to tag along. Jeez! - If Mom was really interested in seeing me relax, she would have kept that idiot cousin away from me. I told you, he's got her believing I'm in danger with what he now calls the 'VHC' (Vampire High Council). I have no clue where he got that one from - another phony Vampire show probably. Anyway - Mom and Garth both thought it was necessary for us to wear disguises.

My bad luck all started at the airport. Those phonies are so prejudiced! They had one of those new x-ray scanner machines that everyone's been screaming about lately. When you step into it, it pretty much shows you naked on a computer screen. I bet you a thousand people went before me without having to walk through it, but once that guard saw my fangs, he ordered me to step into the machine. IT'S A LOAD OF CRAP, MAN!! I'm talking about VAMPIRE PROFILING!! I swear I saw two hot girls behind the guard pointing and laughing at the screen. It was humiliating!

Then, because security took my bottle of blood with their whole stupid 'no liquids on the plane' rule, I got so hungry on the plane, I ended up ordering a glass of the blood they sell for Vampires. And of course it ended up being Organic Himalayan Yak Blood. I don't need to remind you about my first experience with that. We ended up making an emergency landing and switching planes. I'm glad though - I hope it takes them forever to fumigate their stupid plane!

Finally we got to Orlando and went to the Magic Kingdom, which was completely packed with Christmas coming up and all. I don't know how, but Mom convinced me to get on the "It's a Small World" ride. If you've never rode it, I suggest you stay far, far away from that hell trap. It's like some kind of ancient torture device. We must have waited in line for over an hour, and then once we actually got on the ride, it broke down and were stranded in the middle of it for another hour!!

In case you're lucky enough to have never been on it, basically they have you ride around in this little boat and watch all kinds of little annoying puppet brats sing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. And if that's not bad enough, then they take you into another country and sing the song a million more times in another language. Then another country comes... and well, you get the idea.  We got stuck in China and I must have heard them sing that song in Chinese a billion freekin' times. It completely stressed me out. I'm freaking out now just thinking about it. The melody has been stuck in my head since I got off the ride.

When we finally got off, they had Mickey, Donald, and Goofy waiting to greet us to try and smooth over the whole situation, but that backfired BIG TIME!  Mickey was so freekin' annoying with that high pitch voice of his, patting me on the back and ruffling my hair like I was five, I completely lost it. For the first time since I turned into a Vampire, my Vampire instinct took over and I bit Mickey right on the neck.

I don't know why they're making such a big deal over it. I mean - it's not like I bit the woman inside the Mickey suit. But Disney still banned me for life. And that's fine by me!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Monday, November 29, 2010

Wk 14 - Feedback Please

Hello everybody - C. Matthews here.  I would like to thank all of you who have been reading and supporting Anton's posts to make his blog a success. He may not say it, but I know he appreciates your enthusiasm a lot!

Anton's been under some considerable stress lately, so I ordered him to take a much needed vacation, and unfortunately that means he will not be blogging this week. 

I would like to take this opportunity to collect some feedback from you. What do you like to read Anton making fun of paying homage to? He has an opinion on everything that is pop culture, so please do not be shy. If you've been reading, you probably already know he tends to get a little frustrated excited at times, so please don't be offended if his views sometimes get a little out of hand.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wk 13 - 'Vampire Wine' is NOT for Vampires

AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.

And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him?  I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.

But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.

Mom came over for Thanksgiving this week. Her and Aunt Celia (that's Garth's mom) felt bad that we couldn't have a proper holiday dinner like them, so Mom went out and bought a bottle of 'Vampire Wine'.

She figured it was just a fancy bottle of blood for the holidays, so her and Aunt Celia let us drink that while they pigged out on turkey.

Turns out it wasn't blood. In fact, we didn't know it was real wine until we started getting light headed, but by that time it was too late! Me and Garth ended up getting really drunk. We started burping and farting at the dinner table, cracking ourselves up as we finished the bottle.

So things might have gotten a little out of hand. Garth has some older friends who told him that when guys drink too much, they get 'Beer Muscles'. That means they start acting real tough - picking fights with bigger guys and stuff like that. Luckily that doesn't happen to Vampires, but I found out the hard way something that does.

'Beer Fangs' make Vampires believe they are much scarier than they actually are. Me and Garth got bored just sitting around the dinner table and started chasing our moms around like we were going to bite them. Of course we were kidding, but they didn't find it very funny and kicked us out of the house. And during Thanksgiving Dinner! We didn't care though, our Beer Fangs had given us a great idea.

We decided to walk over to the movie theater to see what the chick situation was like since we were feeling extra smooth from the Beer Fangs and all. Garth even suggested a great idea for me to kick it old-school with two of the hottest chicks at the theater - the Stygian Twins. I'm pretty sure they're models. I pulled out my Dracula cape and everything. Garth even added a smoke machine for extra effect.

It actually worked!!! We gave the twins our number and are expecting a call any day now. I'm never drinking again, though. Me and Garth spent the whole next day sitting next to the toilet, throwing up our guts. But hey, if they're as hot as we remember, at least something good will come from it!! Everybody will be talking about us.

The Stygian Twins

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wk 12 - Destroyer of All Vampires

I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.

Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.

And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.

One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!

Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.

Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.

I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber!  I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.

Actually, if she cut those snakes off her head and got rid of the scaly bottom, she's really not that bad looking. Just saying ...

Luckily I only looked at him for a second, so I was just temporarily blinded. It's kind of like looking into the Sun; if you look too long, it's all over. But then his singing started its evil torture on my ears, like fingers scraping on a chalkboard, only like a million times worse! I jumped out of my seat, covered my ears, and ran for the door. What other choice did I have? Only I forgot that I still couldn't see and ended up running into the wall and knocked my self out.
When I woke up, Growley said I was babbling something about Justin Bieber being a Weapon of Mass Destruction to all Vampires. So now you know why I don't expect it to remain a secret for very long. My ears are stills aching.

Now Mom is making me hide out at my cousin's house, because he told her all about make believe Vampire Kings and Queens and how they might come after me for my mistake. Yes - he's still wrapped up in that series, 'True Blood'. I don't think Mom totally believed it, but she said she didn't want to take any chances and that I needed to hide out at Garth's until the whole thing blew over. To be honest with you, she seemed a little excited.

I'm not worried about any fake King's or whatever else Garth is carrying on about, but I am a little freaked that this information about J.B. (you know who I'm talking about) could get to SPAM, or is it 'The Murderer Formerly Known as SPAM', or 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named', or whatever other stupid moronic name that killer is going by these days.

And to top it all off, I talked to Dad this weekend and asked him if he could do some snooping around in the afterworld to find out more about 'The Dummy'. I practically poured my heart out to the man, but he claimed his week was really jam packed with important stuff and asked he could do it next week. UN-FREEKIN'-BELIEVABLE!!

He better be working on solving world hunger or something!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wk 11 - What Werewolves Like

Talk about a long week!

My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!

If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)

So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.

Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.

After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.

Yep - another stinkin' failed test.

But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.

Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.

So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it would be a bad scene if I started feeding him and ran out of food.

By the end of the day, I had a whole trash bag full of the smelly critters. Then, the next morning, I waited in a tree that was on Growley's way to school, because there was no way I wanted to be near him once the feeding frenzy started. My plan was going perfect.

But then, when I opened the bag to throw the animals down to him, the horrible smell came out of bag and I swear it smacked me in the face! Seriously, it felt like mace hitting my eyes. That's when I lost my balance and fell on Growley, dead animals and all. I don't think I need to tell you how that went.

Anyway, turns out Growley's a pretty cool guy. Don't get me wrong, he was wicked pissed and almost killed me after I dumped those smelly rodents on top of him, but he got over it ... eventually. The guy's got a pretty hard punch, so I don't think I'll be conducting any more experiments with him. We cut school together because we both smelled like we stepped out of a sewer.

I finally confronted him about the werewolf thing and he swears he is not one - just really hairy. I'm not buying it though - I think he just hasn't fully turned yet. Maybe it happens at a certain age - like in Twilight (even though that movie is full of lies).

On top of all that CRAP, I found out from Gandork that 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' has made some progress in getting back to the living. Since he doesn't have a body to go into yet, his face grew into the back of one of his idiotic lackies' heads. This all sounds pretty insane to me, especially since it's coming from Gandork, so I'll ask Dad the next time he pops up.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Friday, November 5, 2010

Wk 10 - "The Stipulation"

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

Everyone got a big kick out of it (except for Veronica). She ran off screaming, making a huge fuss over it. It wasn't even her blood. For all she knew I could have been seriously hurt, but do you think she cared? That phony's off my radar again. Then, the moron principal gave me detention for a week! This school's so Vampa-Phobic, it's pathetic!!

When I first arrived at detention, the only seat left was next to this guy Dexter and that totally freaked me out because the guy's mega-weird. Everybody keeps their distance from him because he growls while he eats his food, like some kind of nutbag. All the students call him 'Growley'.

When I was forced to sit next to him in detention, I couldn't help but stare at the freakazoid. That's when I noticed his finger nails didn't look quite right and I think I figured it out: he's a werewolf. It makes sense that he wouldn't tell anyone, because 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' applies to werewolves also.

I don't want to just come out and ask him either, because I can't stand when people do that to me. You'd think I wore a gigantic sign saying I was a Vampire or something. I have a few ideas to find out for sure before I confront him about it.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wk 09 - The Jersey SNORE

I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!

Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.

Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.

There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.

But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'

Think about it - 'The Situation' can go either way. Yeah, it could be a 'good' situation, but it can just as easily be a 'bad' situation (and who wants that). But "The Stipulation" has a certain mystery to it. Like, if you want to go out with me, there are things to consider. It will keep all the babes wondering about me and that's what it's all about. And just so we're clear - this doesn't mean I think 'The Situation' is cool.

The Twilight lawsuit isn't looking good. My lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, has been getting a lot of publicity with all the recent hype over our class action suit and now he's getting all fame-crazed from the attention and talking about going on that new show 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. I guess he's just one more phony in this crappy world.

The only good part of my week was seeing Garth go down in flames. That bonehead's still trying to learn vampire tricks from 'True Blood', so he went out this week and tried to 'Glamour' (still think that's a really stupid name for it) a girl at the mall into going on a date with him. He even included a wave of his hand, like he was some kind of dumb Jedi-Knight Vampire. If only I had taped it on my iPhone - it would have gone viral for sure!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Wk 08 - 'True Blood' is Wicked Good!

Holy Crap!! Me and Garth started watching that show on HBO, True Blood, this week. Now I know why his mom didn't want me watching it. It's freekin' insane!! And don't you go squealing on me, either.

The main chick on that show, Sookie, is pretty hot, but she never shuts up. And just to make this absolutely clear, I'm not talking about 'Snookie' from that annoying show 'The Jersey Shore'. Those people are the phoniest phonies I've ever seen.

True Blood pretty much portrays vampires totally wrong, just like Twilight, but at least there's no sparkling vampires. Although, they do have this special power that makes them able to control peoples' thoughts. They call it 'Glamouring', which is a completely rediculous name for it - if you ask me. 

In the show, every vampire has a 'Maker', which is the person who turned them into a vampire. And the Maker is like the vampire's boss, or master, or whatever you want to call him.

That is so bogus! I couldn't even imagine having to follow orders from Garth for the rest of my life! But of course, once that dimwit learned about 'Makers', he instantly tried to boss me around by commanding me to clean his room, so I had to nip that in the bud right away.

I might not be the toughest guy in the world, but Garth is a complete wuss. He was convinced he could sell his vampire blood and make millions from it because that's what they do on the show. So he got one of those finger prickers that diabetics use and pricked his pinkie and squeezed a tiny drop of blood out, but the moron fainted from the sight of it!

Remember how I said I have to start meeting with our guidance counselor, Gandork? Well we had our first meeting on Thursday. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, so I think it will be OK if I write about it. So I was sitting there and the first things he says to me is "I see dead people." I'm not joking - just like that little dude from the Sixth Sense. 

I almost crapped my pants!! And don't pretend like that scene didn't freak you out, either.

But then he explained how he talks to them and how SPAM, I mean 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named', is working his way back to the living. The guy's all hell-bent on coming after me just because I accidentally peed in this face when I was a baby. Dude has some serious issues. Gandork says I'm the only one who can stop The Dummy, but he has a plan to help me, so I'll keep you up to date on that. Also, my "Winner" scar (Don't say it!) on my forehead started to burn this week so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with his trying to return.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Wk 07 - Mr. Tumbledore

No update on my lawsuit against 'Twilight'. Vinnie's still building a case.


What a freekin' week! As part of my punishment from the trouble I caused at school a couple of weeks ago, I have to start meeting with the 9th grade guidance counselor, Mr. Tumbledore. Talk about freaks! - This guy should have his own counselor. He's this really old, tall guy with long gray hair. He looks like that dude from Lord of the Rings, Gandolf, so everyone calls him 'Gandork'.

He uses a cane to walk, but I swear he thinks it's some kind of magical staff. Every time he counsels a student to do something, he slams the end of the cane on the floor like he just cast a spell. And they're worried about me! I'm sure he's going to be a major phony, but I'll report more on him next week after we meet.

Mom also made me start hanging out with my idiot cousin, Garth, because she says I need to learn how to be a vampire. Well, that may be true but Garth is the sorriest excuse for a vampire you ever want to meet. I mean, the moron accidentally turned me - if that tells you anything about him.

I shouldn't be writing this, but the reason he became a Vampire is because he signed up for some lame clinical study that was testing a new vaccine to protect agaist Vampirism. Actually, I start laughing hysterically every time I think about how he only got a $50 gift certificate to the mall to find out the vaccine didn't work.  

At least he's 19. That's like the perfect age. Not me - I'M FREEKIN' STUCK IN PUBERTY UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Every third word that comes out of my mouth sounds like some kind of mutant seal. But I suppose it could be worse. There's this kid, Bruno, who was turned when he was 3. But his mind is 15 so he is in my grade. It's a little freaky to watch him, but I've got to admin, that little dude has some sweet moves with the ladies.
Anyway, Garth claims he has been watching this show 'True Blood' that will give us all the instruction we need. But we have to sneak it, because his mom won't let me watch it because it's for adults, which is exactly the kind of CRAP I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life! I'll report back on that next week also.

BTW - I've shortened my catch phrase to just 'Life SUCKS'. It just sounds cooler (plus it's just clever because vampires suck blood and I'm a vampire and all). I'm trying to get a patent on it like that dude who makes a zillion bucks every time someone wants to scream 'Let's get Ready to Rumble'.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Wk 06 - Mom Just Doesn't Get It!


After my miserable experience last week, I figured life could only get better at this new phony school. But, of course, I was wrong.

On Wednesday, mom decided I needed a change in my diet. I do try to love that woman, but I'm seriously considering disowning her.

Since I became a vampire 6 months ago, packing my lunch has never been easier - put some cow's blood in a thermos, and it's done. Well, she decided that wasn't good enough for me (like she knows anything about vampires), so she ordered some kind of freekin' blood from organic raised Yaks in the Himalayas (or some crap like that). And do you think she would bother to tell me this?  No. I took it out at lunch and slurped it down as usual. I could tell it was different, but I just figured mom had skimped and bought a generic brand.

So then I was sitting in 6th period chemistry class and my stomach started rumbling. That's not what bothered me, though. The pain, however, DID! It felt like a bicycle pump was shoved into my stomach, and was trying to blow me up. Seriously, it was the worst pain I ever felt!

I would have asked to go to the bathroom, but I knew I would be doomed the minute I stood up, so I just sat there and hoped it would pass.


My stomach was hurting so bad, I tried to adjust my sitting position. Now, the one thing those phony TV execs don’t tell you about Vampires - is their farts. Don't act so surprised - do you really think drinking an all blood diet would make your bodily functions smell like roses? They are the nastiest, foulest farts you will ever smell! And so, one escaped me. But at least it was silent, so nobody could pin it on me.

I guess you could say I was lucky in one sense, because it was like no other stench you could have ever smelled. Freekin’ insane! I don't even think it's something I could be proud of if I were alone. It didn’t take long for it to completely take the room like some kind of vapor blob. Students were gagging everywhere. I’m not kidding. The fumes were so strong, it made some of their eyes water.

They actually closed the school and brought those hazmat dudes in to make sure it wasn’t some kind of chemical or biological attack. I started to feel a little insulted, but I’m pretty sure no one knew it was me so I didn’t say anything. I got back at mom that night when I went home and used her bathroom. The house stunk really bad all night, but it was worth it. 

I couldn’t believe it when she actually tried to pack that blood for me the next day. She claimed we were out of the normal blood. Whatever.  She has absolutely no vampire sympathy. So I skipped lunch completely on that day. I figured starving was much better than going through that again. But then, that created a whole new problem.

I was sitting in Chemistry class, again, when this crazy impulse came over me. This guy Bart, who’s a total phony, sits in front of me. He must have the longest neck in the world. It’s pretty ridiculous looking. I zoned out from what the teacher was saying because I could hear the blood moving through his big giraffe neck. I’m not going to write what I was thinking because I’m pretty sure you wouldn't understand and would form a totally different conclusion about it. When I finally came out of that trance, I had to quickly clean up the puddle of drool I left on my desk. Stupid mom and her organic blood!
"Life SUCKS, and then you turn into a Vampire."
 - Anton (week 5)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Wk 05 - Vinnie Cochran


The class-action lawsuit is SO back on!! Apparently, the techniques I've been using from that STUPID Twilight movie haven't exactly had the effect that I'd thought. At least that's what the freekin' cops told me after about 10 of them showed up at my house to haul me away. Luckily mom was able to explain how the situation was a big misunderstanding, so they let me stay in school. But now she stares at me with a 'that boy ain't right' kind of look.

All the girls in the ninth grade think I'm some kind of weird psychopath now. I would still try to ask out Veronica, except that she put a restraining order against me which means I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times.

Well, at least now I can add mental pain and suffering to my list of damages. I was actually able to get the famous lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, to represent us vampires in the trial. He's a vampire himself, so he'll know exactly how to play the species card when the time is right.

I'm sure you know him - he's the lawyer that represented a certain Vampire athlete (and also a horrible actor) who bit and and severely beat his girlfriend while she sang the national anthem in front of 20,000 fans during a televised baseball game. You'd think it was an open and shut case with that many witnesses, but Vinnie was able to prove reasonable doubt. During the trial, the defendant was ordered to try and fit his fangs into the holes on the victim's neck and he couldn't. And that's pretty much what won the case.

 I talked to dad this week. Remember how I told you my dad was murdered? Well he actually stops by to talk to me once and a while. (I forgot to mention his ghost sometimes appears.) I think it's great that we can still talk to each other and all, but he has a habit of showing up at the worst times. I'm now completely paranoid wheneven I'm doing anything that calls for a little privacy. Anyway, mom must have told him all about what happened at school, because I had to explain the whole humiliating story to him again.

That wasn't the only reason he stopped by, though. He told me he read in 'The Ghost-Vine' (yes, that's a real publication in the afterlife) that SPAM is trying to work his way back from the dead. Oh, and he changed his name back to that idiotic crop-circle symbol. For now on, I'll just refer to him as "The Dummy That Can Not be Named". So that's just another stupid thing I've got to worry about now.

I've come up with a new motto: 'Life SUCKS, and Then You Turn Into a Vampire!'. Feel free to use it, but make sure you phony's credit me if you do. Maybe I'll put it on a bumper-sticker.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Wk 04 - "Edward Does Have Cool Hair"


Maybe this school isn't so bad after all. The girls have really taken notice to me over the past week. Thanks to my new move, my reputation is really starting to build.

I rented Twilight again so I could really get a feel for Edward's speech. I'm still pissed about the movie's slanderous portrayal of Vampires, but I will agree to stop pursuing my class-action lawsuit if I can get a girlfriend from it.

Belle is HOT, but she has the personality of a slug. Watching her for a couple of hours makes me want to kill myself all over again. Sure, she's a total BABE, but what a buzz kill! She's another phony I'd like to put in my shoes for a day.

One thing about Edward is he does have cool hair. I mean - it's alright. I've been experimenting with my hair - trying to change my look up a little. If it resembles Edward's, don't think I'm trying to copy him. That would just be weird!

This past week I've perfected talking like him. It's not very hard, since he hardly ever says anything. I guess it's supposed to add to his mystique. When he does talk, it's all slow and he makes it seem like he's in physical pain. Like the words he is saying are stabbing him or something. What a Tool-Bag!

But I still decided to give it a shot anyway with the stare, the look, and the new hair style. I caught Veronica alone in the hall one day and tested it out on her.

It went wicked awesome! She was speechless! She practically melted with emotion. Who knew acting like a Tool could be so great. Tomorrow I'll go in for the kill (not literally) and ask her out.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wk 03 - Twilight = $$$

I'm going to be a millionaire!! After watching that freekin' movie Twilight, I'm seeing dollar signs because once I get ahold of a good lawyer, I'm going to start a class action lawsuit for defamation of the Vampire character. If you're a Vampire, get in contact with me.

For the record - I'm gonna set something straight right now. Vampires DO NOT sparkle. Not in the sun, not in the shade, not inside, and not outside. What the *#@!, Stephenie! Why don't you just dress us all up in tu-tus and have us sing the theme song to Strawberry Shortcake (nevermind how I know about that). No wonder I can't get any respect.

Come to think of it, now I understand why the kids in gym class started calling me Sparky.

I plan to get this Vampire image thing back on track this year. Restore vampire respect to its rightful state!

I did manage to take some notes, though. That dude, Edward, is a total wuss-bag and annoying dork, but he does manage to get the chicks. He has that whole tortured, complicated teenage angst thing down pat. The girls pour all over him. So I stayed up all night practicing, and I think I perfected the look pretty good. The next day, I took it for a test spin with two totally hot girls in the hallway.

Edward just might be on to something. Those babes really seemed to be digging it. In fact, it got such good results I'm working on how to talk like him now.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Wk 02 - Being a Vampire Sucks!

Being a Vampire sucks! It's nothing like they make it out to be on TV or in the movies. At least not for me. Just think about it - I'm going to be fifteen years old forever. Is there anything cool about that?

I turned into a Vampire only 6 months ago, and believe me, it was not by choice.

It happened at a family kickball game that went horribly wrong. I was playing first base and my phony Vampire cousin, Garth, had just kicked. I was waiting for the catch at first when that moron barrelled into me. (Remind me to tell you the ridiculous story of how he turned in another post).

When he ran into me, his fangs got stuck in my neck so deep, I almost died from the loss of blood. And at that point, I had no choice but to let that dummy fully turn me.

So now I walk around playing this moronic 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' game. It's so stupid - like anyone can't tell I'm a Vampire with these two GINORMOUS teeth sticking out of my head, like I'm a human-walrus or something. And don't bother trying to write in to tell me they can retract like some kind of cool switchblade for the mouth, because that's just another lie those phony TV execs are putting out there.

Mom's been on my case to make news friend's at this new school so I introduced myself to a couple of guys that were playing table coin hockey at the lunch table today. I thought it was going really well until they asked me to put my teeth on the table to make a goal and I swallowed one of their pennies.

What happened to Vampires being scary, anyway? You know - feared. With all these stupid Vampire shows and movies coming out, we have become a big joke. Like everyone's become desensitized.

Well, you know what they say: If you can't 'bite them, join them'.  (A little vampire humour there.)  Seriously though, I'm going to have to do some research on this 21st century vampire thing if I want to fit in.

Tonight, I am going to do what no other heterosexual teenage male would dare be caught doing. I'm going to rent 'Twilight' so I can get some pointers. I would say I'd rather die than suffer that humiliation of being caught with a Twilight DVD, but then I've already done that.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Wk 01 - This is NOT a Journal!

This is not a journal. It’s a blog and there’s a huge difference! A journal is something a Wimpy Kid would keep. Blogging, on the other hand, is something that everyone is doing these days, so it can't be all that lame.

Trust me, I wouldn’t be writing this stupid blog if it wasn’t required at my stupid new school. I'm sure you've heard of the rule - Don't Ask, Don't Tell. That's right, my last phony school kicked me out because I told someone I was a Vampire. Keep that on the DL though. Mom will freekin' kill me (again) if I'm booted out of another school.

I’ve only been here 6 days and I hate it already. It’s so PHONY! That’s my new word. I got it from the kid who constantly complains in that book they make you read in school, 'Catcher in the Rye'. I wish I could make that idiot live in my shoes for a day. He'd stop whining, for sure.

Since I have to start this lame blogging thing, I might as well tell you about my miserable existence.

My dad was murdered fourteen years ago by some freak who called himself the 'Self Proclaimed Anton Murderer', or 'SPAM', as they call him on the street. That's right - he murdered dad just because his name was Anton. I'm not even kidding! Oh yeah, that's my name also.

Anyway, after that phony killer became famous, he changed his name to some crazy crop circle symbol that nobody could pronounce. I mean, what kind of loser does that, anyway!

But then his Google search ratings plummeted so he switched back to just 'SPAM'.

Well, at least I don’t have to spend the rest of my life all hell-bent on avenging dad, because I killed SPAM on that same night.

I was only 1 year old at the time and my parents had taken me to the Never-Leave-Land Ranch. We were waiting in line to ride the Run-Away-From-The-PopStar Train, behind SPAM, when he overheard mom call my dad 'Anton'. SPAM freaked out and pushed my dad over the railing.

Mom had been holding me at the time and when dad fell, his hand got caught on my diaper and pulled it off.

As the story goes, mom turned to face SPAM and I got so scared, I peed right in his eyes. (That's the only part of this story I like.) Makes sense; I guess pee would sting if it got in your eyes. Anyway, he jumped around screaming that his eyes were stinging and fell over the railing, too.

Now I remember that ugly bald-headed SPAM every time I comb my hair because he scratched my forehead before he fell and left a scar.

But that’s still not the worst part; the scar is two ovals next to each other. I always tell people it's a ‘W’ that stands for 'Winner', but really, the first thing they see when I show it to them is a set of boobs, or worse, a butt.

And don't go thinking you phonies are so clever calling me Butt-Head, because like a thousand people before you already thought of it!