Sunday, January 30, 2011

Wk 21 : Bite Night

Man - a bunch of crap went down this week!

First, I got an update on 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named'. Dad filled me in during one of his usual unannounced pop-ins.

He said that SPAM's starting to gather an army of fellow Anton-Name-Haters. They call themselves Anton Eaters. That maniac is really starting to piss me off! I mean, how humiliating would it be getting taken down by someone called an 'Anton Eater', anyway! Let's just hope it doesn't get to that.

Obviously SPAM doesn't realize that I'm one of the founders of Bite Club. Shoot - I practically have my own army ready to follow me to war. So if you're reading this, Dummy Formerly Known as SPAM, with that stupid crop circle symbol you changed your name to (which isn't even cool looking), BRING IT ON!

Enough of that butt-head though, I've got another bonehead to worry about at the moment. Brad Pitt. His girlfriend - you know, the one who's name I can't pronounce (something like Herminoriteeoneeity) was having a simple conversation with me, so Brad-the jealous-psychopath-Pitt, (aka 'Glen', but don't call him that) challenged me to a Bite-Off.

A Bite-Off is a special Steel-Cage Match that we hold on Bite Night where you bite-fight until the other person has lost so much blood, they can't move. But we don't actually have a steel cage, so we create a circle in Garth's basement using some of his old Thomas-the-Train tracks. Between us, I think he still plays with them because he gets all bent out of shape if you accidently step on them.

I know it sounds pretty gruesome, but we're already dead, so it's really not a big deal. Of course, that doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell if I lose. I've been taking an extra protein blood supplement to prepare for it.

'Life Sucks'
- Anton

Don't be a phony - read from the beginning!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wk 20 - Garth's A.I. Audition

Rule 1 - You do not talk about Bite Club.
Rule 2, You DO NOT talk about Bite Club.
That's the rules we've laid down for Bite Club so far. Yeah, yeah - I know the second rule is the same as the first one, but trust me - when we're telling it to new members, it sounds really cool. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway. The dummies joining our club don't listen - and Brad Pitt has already pretty much told the entire world about Bite Club! 

BTW - I found out Brad Pitt's real name is Glen. When he introduced us to his girlfriend (whose name I can't pronounce, but is a total babe), she slipped and called him by his real name. He spazzed out on her. The dude is way obsessed with Brad! Probably has a whole shrine of Brad Pitt pictures in his room or something. Creeps me the freek out! But this is what I've been saying - just another hot chick falling for some phony dude.

I think about twenty guys have joined the club so far. It's a pretty even split between werewolves and vampires. Who knew there were so many teenage dudes with pent up anger issues?
We wanted to find an old warehouse to hold 'Bite Night' (that's what we call the night of the week when we get together to hold our bite fights), but there were no abandoned buildings so we had to settle for Garth's basement, which gets really cramped. And smelly!

Some of the members have even developed their own characters like they're in the WWF or something. It's really stupid if you ask me! My idiot cousin came up with 'Garth Vader', but once he realized that he couldn't actually bite through his helmet, he switched gears.

The highlight of Monday night was seeing Bruno bite down Garth. I'm embarassed to call him my cousin, let alone my maker!

Speaking of Garth, he had his big audition with American Idol this week. It was even more hysterical than I thought it would be. We had to go into the city, which was a new experience for Garth. He discovered a whole new style that inspired him.

You know how dudes wear their pants in the city, half way down their legs? It's not my cup of tea, but Garth got all excited and made some adjustments to his look just before they called his ticket. That dweeb has no clue! Just wait 'til you see!

Apparently, he didn't notice that you are supposed to keep your underwear up! I just hope they decide to show it on TV. Trust me - it'll be even better than that Chinese dude who couldn't sing a few years back. And he gives an all new meaning to the song 'Pants on the Ground'.

Those phonies kicked us out of there pretty fast after that. Now that I'm thinking about it, they may not air it. That'll be a load of steamy crap if that's the case!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton 

Don't be a phony! - Read from the beginning.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Wk 19 - Bored

I'm so freekin' bored!  I've been stuck in this stupid house listening to Garth sing all week since being suspended from my phony school. American Idol is coming around for their usual open auditions soon and that idiot has the idea in his head that he has a shot. Probably because I told him he has great natural talent and that he would blow the judges away.

OK, so between me and you, a shrieking bird sounds better than him. But trust me, it'll be a wicked good laugh for all of us when they air it on TV. Now he's walking around all proud and full of himself, like some kind of Vampire Diva. Hey - I had to do something to keep from going insane with boredom.

Mom is so pissed at me, she won't even speak to me for the blood-spilling Shakespeare incident. I tried to explain that it was all Growley's doing, but she was not buying it. Growley got it even worse from his mom. She made him stay in their dog's outside kennel all week. And in fact, he's all scratched up now, because he tried to steel the dog's bone one night during one of his "sleep walking episodes". What can I say - best friends are hard to come by!

Actually, speaking of the Play, I should thank you readers, because one of you made a good point in the comments section by explaining that all Shakespeare Plays end in tragedy. Well, I read between the lines and realized that what you were really saying was that me and Growley made the Play even better by creating a whole new tragic ending. Now it's only a matter of time before Veronica understands that and comes running into my arms. 

'C' called me today. (that's Santa Clause - we're pretty tight now) I thought he would have cooled off with his busy time of year over and all, but I was wrong. Sounds like his elves are busting his chops pretty good. When he was working Christmas Eve, a bunch of them got drunk on spiked eggnog and decorated his whole house with Lady Gaga posters and statues. 'C' got even with them, though. He weeded out the guilty elves and put them on reindeer poop cleanup all year. Anyway, he's sending me to one of Gaga's concerts in a couple of weeks to get some dirt on her. Just more punishment as far as I'm concerned.

Actually there was one good thing that came out of this week. Since Growley's been banned to his dog's kennel all week, he's been hanging around here a lot. One night, at around two o'clock in the morning we decided to make a slushy run to the local 7-11. Halfway there we started arguing over who's fault the blood spill really was. Next think I know, that wacko bites me on the arm. So I did the obvious thing and bit him back. And just quit your judging, right now! Yeah, it may sound a little unusual, but remember - it's instinct for us so don't go spreading rumors that we're weird or something.

After about five minutes of trying to bite each another, we both fell down exhausted and laughed our butts off. That's when some strange dude with short spikey hair and a bag full of soap (yes, soap!) came out of nowhere and started talking to us. He said his name was Brad Pitt (no - not the the real one). A bit odd, don't you think?

Turns out he's a Vampire too. He asked join our club, and that's when we came up with an AWESOME idea! We decided to start a club for "our kind" of people - where we wouldn't be discriminated against. And where we wouldn't have to worry about 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. We call it "BITE CLUB".

I've got a good feeling about this- it's gonna be epic!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Read from Wk 01.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wk 18 - The Ultimate Prank

I don't know why I'm updating this stupid blog, but I have nothing else to do since I was suspended from school. That's right, those freekin' phonies suspended me! Hopefully your year is starting out better than mine.

And things were really starting to turn around for me, too. Growley finally admitted he was a werewolf, SPAM came back without a nose (still laughing about that one), and I got picked to play Romeo in the school play with Veronica. She was really warming up to me.

By the night of the play, I was even more nervous than the time Garth intentionally staked me with a wooden kitchen spoon (there's a story I'll have to tell you about some time), but I managed to get dressed and make it to school. Once I was there, Veronica pulled me aside to give me a special pep talk which made me feel a whole lot better. She is so awesome!

A little into the play, she was doing that famous scene were she calls my name out (well, Romeo's name). The only thought in my mind was, 'At last, I am going to be able to kiss my sweet Veronica'.  In fact, I completely zoned out the auditorium full of people by that point. And why not - I figured me and Veronica would be so good in the scene together that the audience would have to give us a (what do they call it) 'Standing Ovulation' and then, finally, she would see that we were meant for each other ... just like our characters.

Of course, that dumb, stupid, idiotic, jerk of a friend of mine, decided it was time for his master prank. I was still back stage just waiting for my big entrance when I saw Growley above me in the rafters with a huge dopey grin on that hairy freekin' face of his ... and I knew he was up to something bad! I didn't have a choice; I had to run up there to stop him.

Well, from running all the way up there, I was pretty much out of breath. Plus, I'm not really too good with heights ... and trust me - it was wicked high up there. My legs were shaking real bad as I ran over to Growley, and that's when I tripped and hit the bucket.

First, let me explain how wolf-boy came up with this insane idea. One day, a couple of weeks ago, I showed up at his house while he was watching this stone-age movie from the 80's that was about a girl with something called ESP (which I'm guessing stands for 'Extra Stupid Person'). The movie is called 'Carrie', and at the end of it, these phony morons in the movie play a terrible prank on her. Check out this scene from Carrie (which was Growley's grand inspiration) and you'll see what I'm talking about. Warning - if your young, do not watch, because it will definitely freak you out!

The prank was obviously a complete disaster, which is why Growley should have thought twice about his scheme ... but, of course, that brings me back to my story.

So there I was, running on the plank which was probably like a thousand feet high, when I tripped and fell into a bucket that was hanging over the stage with ... you guessed it ... pig's blood. (btw - I have to remember to ask Growley where he got it because it tasted pretty darn good.) Of course, he was waiting to dump the blood on me, but it ended up all over poor, sweet Veronica instead.

All the kids in the audience just pointed and laughed because they thought it was part of the show, but the adults got really freaked out and ran out the doors (probably because they saw 'Carrie' and knew how it ended). Believe me, I was booking out of there too. When Veronica looked up at me, I thought for certain I was going to burst into flames or something at any moment. IT WAS NOT A GOOD SCENE!! And to make things worse, Bruno (you know - the stupid little Vampire dude in my grade that looks like he's about five) got all worked up from the smell of fresh pig's blood and attacked Veronica.

Now me and Growley are just kind of hanging out at home until the school decides a proper punishment for us. Oh well ... at least Growley finally admitted that we're even now.

Happy Freekin' New Year ...

"Life REALLY Sucks!"
- Anton

Read from the beginning.