Monday, March 28, 2011

Wk 26 - Bite Club Bites

Well, 'Bite Club' is done. Fake Brad Pitt started getting really wacked out. He called a special meeting to make soap with all of the members and they all got really into it. How lame is that! So me and Growley kicked everyone out of the house and told them the club was over. Those losers didn't even care - they ran off and formed 'Soap Club'. LOSER PHONIES!

At first I was buggin' out because my plan was use Bite Club to fight 'The Loser Who Has No Name', but then I remembered that I have Lion's Blood. Think about it - I'm a Vampire with Lion's Blood. I'M IN-FREEKIN' DESTRUCTIBLE!!

I am kind of stoked about one thing. Fake Brad Pitt's girlfriend finally got sick of pretending she was
Angelina Jolie and broke up with him. I guess it turns out he had a right to be jealous because the first thing she did was ask me out. Can you believe it - a hot babe like that! With me! I mean ... yeah, I think I'll give the poor girl a shot.

The only problem is I can't pronounce her name. It's spelled H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E. I've got no clue ... so I just call her 'Hermy' which works because hot chicks are all into being called cute nick names. I'm still a little unsure about this girl, though, because she is really smart and has a kind of know-it-all attitude.  But I'm willing to overlook that to have a hot babe by my side.

Now that I'm back to school, I get to talk to Gandork again. (You know him - the crazy old man who thinks he's a wizard.) Anyway, I was waiting for him in his office one day and noticed there was a big bowl of some wierd clay on his desk.  I was bored so I started to sculpt a volcano with it. It looked pretty good, actually.
When he walked in I was eager to tell him about my new Lion's blood, but that old phony geezer shushed me. He was holding his pretend wand up to his head and really concentrating hard. I saw in a movie once that wizards can pull memories from their heads and then put them in a bowl to watch them. (Hey - I didn't make it up.) I figured that's what he was up to.

<gag> MAN WAS I WRONG! <gag> He used the stupid freekin' bowl alright, but not exactly for what I thought. Turns out it wasn't memories he was extracting from his head; just GINORMOUS HUNKS OF WAX that he was digging out of his ear. <gag>

Just thinking about that hot - sticky ... UGHHH - gotta go .... gonna puke again ....

"Life <gag> Sucks"
- Anton

Read from the beginning.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wk 25 - Who Needs Tiger's Blood

I was doing a lot of thinking earlier this week. That old dude, Charlie Sheen, is like some kind of freekin' genius! I mean just look at the guy - he's living like a rockstar. And Winning! He's got a million hot chicks wanting to be his girlfriend which he says is all because he has tiger blood. So I grabbed Garth last night and headed to the zoo after it closed.

But I wasn't interested in Tiger's Blood.  Why should I settle for that when I can get the real winner. LION'S BLOOD! Am I right?

Nobody was around so I thought it would be a piece of cake to just sneak into one of the lion's dens and drink a little blood.

The plan was simple - I just loaded Garth up with a bunch of raw, bloody steaks and sent him into the lion's cage to distract it. It worked awesomely! Until Garth ran out of meat. But by that time, I had already jumped on the lion's back, and the only way I was going to get it off of Garth was to drink enough blood to make the lion pass out.

Seriously, I must have drank two gallons of that lion's blood (which was pretty tasty) before it got woozy and collapsed. And don't you phonies go yelling 'animal cruelty' because the blood I took from it was easily replaced from the blood he got out of Garth. Yeah, it'll probably turn into a Vampion or something like that, but nobody should notice. And, well Garth's already dead ... so it's no biggie.

NOW I'M THE FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR! Just before I sat down to write this blog entry, I opened the pickle lid jar for Garth's mom with no trouble at all. I don't have to tell you how tight those lids usually are. And I didn't even have to run it under hot water.

Who needs tiger's blood. ... I'VE GOT LION'S BLOOD, BABY!!

"Life Rocks!"
- Anton

Read from Week 1

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wk 24 - Winning

Did I mention being a Vampire sucks? Well it does. ROYALLY!

I had my fight with that freakazoid Brad Pitt wannabe this week. And I'm still healing from it. I trained like some kind of bite-fighting olympian for the last two weeks for that match because I knew that wack-job was getting all pumped up watching 'Troy' and 'Interview with a Vampire'. So I knew it wasn't going to be easy to beat him.

I decided some karate lessons were in order. That's right, I spent the whole last week studying the Karate Kid movies, old and new. I felt like a king-fu biting genious after that.

When the fight actually started, I was so nervous I forgot to take off my sweatshirt. That's a cardinal rule of Bite Club, you know.  NO SHIRTS!  It's kind of creepy.

Anyway, the fight started, and since I still had my hoodie on, I decided to 'hang up the jacket'. Yeah, you know the move I'm talking about ... the one where Jaden Smith spent like a week just hanging up that stupid freekin' jacket. It would have been an awsome move if my left arm didn't get stuck in the sleeve. That's when Pitt took a good bite out of that arm. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!

Then he went for the other arm, so I used a little 'wax on'. It worked perfectly until I followed it up with a 'paint the fence' and actually painted my hand right up into his fangs. Again - NOT PLEASANT!!

After two minutes, I had more holes in me than that dumb movie called 'Holes'. (give me a break you phonies, it's the best I could come up with) Anyway we took a 30 second break, which gave me the perfect opportunity to set up my secret weapon move. It's a combination of that kick-ass move where Ralph Macchio from the first Karate Kid stands on one leg, and Jaden Smith's wicked snake charming mind control thing from the new Karate Kid. You should have saw me - I looked like a FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR!


It's lucky for that Brad Pitt that I passed out from all the blood loss, or I surely would have brought the fangs down on him.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Quit being like all the other phonies - read from the beginning!