Thursday, December 23, 2010

WK 17 - Merry Freekin' Christmas!

It was another crazy week! Gandork's been really jumpy lately. I mean - yeah, he's usually doing something weird or freaky, but lately he's been going over the deep end. Just this morning he was running around the halls of the school like a madman, slamming his cane on the ground and screaming "Expelliarmus", "Expelliarmus".

All the students in the hall scattered thinking the old make-believe wizard finally went over the deep end with poser spells that he made up. Between me and you, I kind felt sorry for the crazy old coot, so I asked him if he was OK.

I found out he was just saying "Expel  E.Airmus". Some phony with the name Eric Airmus had posted pictures of Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings all over the school with Mr. Tumbledore's face pasted over the top of it. Alright ... so it was a little funny, but he didn't have to go and humiliate Gandork like that! If I was him, I would want that jerk, Eric Airmus, expelled too.

Dad popped up this week with his usual bad timing, and while I was in the bathroom singing some completely rediculous song, of course. Once the stupid song's in your head, it's impossible to get it out! But that's beside the point - the man has no respect for privacy. He just floats in and out without knocking!

Dad told me the 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' managed to form back into his own body ... but wait till you hear this. For some reason, his face didn't fully grow in, and now he has no nose. He looks completely lame. Serves that phony killer right!

One of his minions gave him a pair of sunglasses as a gag welcome-back gift. But since 'The Dummy' had no nose to hold them up, they fell right off. SPAM probably would have killed the guy, but he ended up laughing so hard, he choked to death.

I'm so freekin' tired because I haven't slept in days! Growley has me completely wigging out with paranoia over the grand master prank he's been planning on me. Stupid Werewolf! - I wish he would just get it over with already!

Got in some hot water with the big guy this week. I'm talking about Santa Claus, of course. It kind of just dawned on me Christmas Eve as I was getting ready for bed.

Ever notice the man never gets older? I mean, he has to be like 200 years old or something. That's when I realized that he must be a Vampire. Makes sense, right?

I made the idiotic mistake of replacing his usual glass of milk with a mug of warm cow's blood to go with his cookies. I figured if he's a Vampire, he would really appreciate a nice warm glass of blood, and then I would be in good with the Jolly Old Vamp forever. ... and I've really been wanting the new iPhone 4.

My plan didn't turn out as I'd expected. Let's just say it wasn't one of my brightest ideas. In case your wondering, Santa is NOT a Vampire. Jeez - you'd think he'd look to see what's in a cup before drinking it blindly. He's all angry because Lady Gaga bit the head off a stuffed Santa doll while she was on stage this week. And now he's fuming over it and taking it out on me!

Anyway, I hope you all have a Merry Freekin' Christmas ... except for the phonies!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wk 16 - A Midnight Snack

The Stygian twins finally called this week. They're the girls I told you about that me and Garth met on Thanksgiving night when we got drunk on Vampire Wine. We met up with them, but decided they just weren't right for us, so we let them down easy. Please NEVER bring the subject of the Stygian twins up to me again.

This past week, I was really getting sick of sleeping at Garth's house, so I asked Growley if I could crash at his house one night to get a break from Garth's disgusting toxic room. At first it was all good - I was fast asleep on his couch. But then, an incident happened. Something so wickedly disturbing, I don't think I'll ever get over it.

It was like two o'clock in the middle of the night when I woke up to itch my leg. I thought maybe a mosquito had bitten me ... but I was WRONG. It was Growley! AND HE WAS GNAWING ON MY LEG!! I wish I could tell you I was kidding, but that is the absolute INSANE FREEKIN' TRUTH!

He said I was carrying on like a girl, and claimed that it was only a little sleep walking episode. Sure, my Vampire skin healed up fine over the next couple of days, but that's not the point. We're talking about my friend trying to eat my leg, people! After that, I forced him to confront his mom, and she FINALLY told him the truth about his Werewolf background.

Anyway, I figured at least we were even from me dumping the rotting animals on him and all, but he doesn't see it that way because he says I meant to throw the animals on him. Whatever!  Between me and you, I'm not buying his sleepwalking story. He says he planning this master prank on me to settle that score, so now I'm walking around completely freekin' paranoid.

Aside from almost getting eaten by my best friend this week, I've decided my main goal this year is to get a girlfriend. Let's face it, the older I get the harder it will be since I'll be stuck in this 15 yr old body forever.

I really like that Veronica chick and I know we've started out on a few bad notes, but I'm pretty sure I can win her heart. I found out that she is playing the lead role of Juliet in the school play, so I tried out for Romeo and got it! Yeah, yeah ... I know what you're thinking - school plays are totally dorky, especially with the nerdy way you have to talk in them like "What light through yonder window breaks?". I mean, what does that even mean? But hey ... a Vampire's gotta do what a Vampire's gotta do.

I have to admit, this acting thing is pretty hard work. I have to remember a ton of lines by next week's opening. And I'm pretty sure the play is in a totally made up language from that Shakesfear person. I really hope Veronica appreciates everything I'm doing for her.

And of course my scar's burning more than ever. Gandork says it's because 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named' is getting stronger. So now he wants me to start training to prepare for my fight with him.

That's when I finally confessed to him that I'm a Vampire, just in case it was important in planning my whole destined duel to the death thing. Gandork then confided in me that he is really a wizard posing as a school guidance counselor. I gotta tell ya, it was almost freekin' impossible to not laugh right there in his face. How am I supposed to trust my life in the hands of this lunatic, anyway?!?

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Before you go judging me, get all the facts and read from the beginning.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wk 15 - Banned!

I can't believe I'm actually glad to be back writing this annoying blog. Last week, that big jerk Gandork told Mom he was concerned about my stress level, so she came up with the dumb idea to take me to Disney World. That might have been cool ten years ago, but I'm fifteen now. The only good thing was seeing those princesses walking around in their costumes - especially that Pocahontas. Still - everything else was a total disaster.

For one thing, Garth and Aunt Celia decided to tag along. Jeez! - If Mom was really interested in seeing me relax, she would have kept that idiot cousin away from me. I told you, he's got her believing I'm in danger with what he now calls the 'VHC' (Vampire High Council). I have no clue where he got that one from - another phony Vampire show probably. Anyway - Mom and Garth both thought it was necessary for us to wear disguises.

My bad luck all started at the airport. Those phonies are so prejudiced! They had one of those new x-ray scanner machines that everyone's been screaming about lately. When you step into it, it pretty much shows you naked on a computer screen. I bet you a thousand people went before me without having to walk through it, but once that guard saw my fangs, he ordered me to step into the machine. IT'S A LOAD OF CRAP, MAN!! I'm talking about VAMPIRE PROFILING!! I swear I saw two hot girls behind the guard pointing and laughing at the screen. It was humiliating!

Then, because security took my bottle of blood with their whole stupid 'no liquids on the plane' rule, I got so hungry on the plane, I ended up ordering a glass of the blood they sell for Vampires. And of course it ended up being Organic Himalayan Yak Blood. I don't need to remind you about my first experience with that. We ended up making an emergency landing and switching planes. I'm glad though - I hope it takes them forever to fumigate their stupid plane!

Finally we got to Orlando and went to the Magic Kingdom, which was completely packed with Christmas coming up and all. I don't know how, but Mom convinced me to get on the "It's a Small World" ride. If you've never rode it, I suggest you stay far, far away from that hell trap. It's like some kind of ancient torture device. We must have waited in line for over an hour, and then once we actually got on the ride, it broke down and were stranded in the middle of it for another hour!!

In case you're lucky enough to have never been on it, basically they have you ride around in this little boat and watch all kinds of little annoying puppet brats sing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. And if that's not bad enough, then they take you into another country and sing the song a million more times in another language. Then another country comes... and well, you get the idea.  We got stuck in China and I must have heard them sing that song in Chinese a billion freekin' times. It completely stressed me out. I'm freaking out now just thinking about it. The melody has been stuck in my head since I got off the ride.

When we finally got off, they had Mickey, Donald, and Goofy waiting to greet us to try and smooth over the whole situation, but that backfired BIG TIME!  Mickey was so freekin' annoying with that high pitch voice of his, patting me on the back and ruffling my hair like I was five, I completely lost it. For the first time since I turned into a Vampire, my Vampire instinct took over and I bit Mickey right on the neck.

I don't know why they're making such a big deal over it. I mean - it's not like I bit the woman inside the Mickey suit. But Disney still banned me for life. And that's fine by me!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton