Monday, November 29, 2010

Wk 14 - Feedback Please

Hello everybody - C. Matthews here.  I would like to thank all of you who have been reading and supporting Anton's posts to make his blog a success. He may not say it, but I know he appreciates your enthusiasm a lot!

Anton's been under some considerable stress lately, so I ordered him to take a much needed vacation, and unfortunately that means he will not be blogging this week. 

I would like to take this opportunity to collect some feedback from you. What do you like to read Anton making fun of paying homage to? He has an opinion on everything that is pop culture, so please do not be shy. If you've been reading, you probably already know he tends to get a little frustrated excited at times, so please don't be offended if his views sometimes get a little out of hand.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wk 13 - 'Vampire Wine' is NOT for Vampires

AHA! - I FREEKIN' TOLD YOU DOUBTERS! It's all over the headlines - the new Artist of the Year *WARNING* - if you're a Vampire, do not look directly at this link.

And you thought I was just being paranoid - making up some ridiculous story about J.B. Now what do yo have to say about it? Do you really think it's just coincidence that he was named Artist of the Year right after I let the Vampire secret out about him?  I'm telling you - this is all part of a mass conspiracy to wipe Vampires out!! I'm keeping tabs on you J.B.

But enough of that phony. Like I told you last week, I'm living at Garth's house now and have to share a bedroom with the dweeb. He's a major league slob! The room completely wreaks of bottles that are half filled with old blood. I bet you didn't know mold could grow over blood if it's left out long enough. Plus, that idiot has nightmares every night about the clinical trial he signed up for that turned him into a Vampire. He wakes up screaming and crying, like a little girl. You'd think he'd be traumatized about accidentally turning ME, but that he is just fine with.

Mom came over for Thanksgiving this week. Her and Aunt Celia (that's Garth's mom) felt bad that we couldn't have a proper holiday dinner like them, so Mom went out and bought a bottle of 'Vampire Wine'.

She figured it was just a fancy bottle of blood for the holidays, so her and Aunt Celia let us drink that while they pigged out on turkey.

Turns out it wasn't blood. In fact, we didn't know it was real wine until we started getting light headed, but by that time it was too late! Me and Garth ended up getting really drunk. We started burping and farting at the dinner table, cracking ourselves up as we finished the bottle.

So things might have gotten a little out of hand. Garth has some older friends who told him that when guys drink too much, they get 'Beer Muscles'. That means they start acting real tough - picking fights with bigger guys and stuff like that. Luckily that doesn't happen to Vampires, but I found out the hard way something that does.

'Beer Fangs' make Vampires believe they are much scarier than they actually are. Me and Garth got bored just sitting around the dinner table and started chasing our moms around like we were going to bite them. Of course we were kidding, but they didn't find it very funny and kicked us out of the house. And during Thanksgiving Dinner! We didn't care though, our Beer Fangs had given us a great idea.

We decided to walk over to the movie theater to see what the chick situation was like since we were feeling extra smooth from the Beer Fangs and all. Garth even suggested a great idea for me to kick it old-school with two of the hottest chicks at the theater - the Stygian Twins. I'm pretty sure they're models. I pulled out my Dracula cape and everything. Garth even added a smoke machine for extra effect.

It actually worked!!! We gave the twins our number and are expecting a call any day now. I'm never drinking again, though. Me and Garth spent the whole next day sitting next to the toilet, throwing up our guts. But hey, if they're as hot as we remember, at least something good will come from it!! Everybody will be talking about us.

The Stygian Twins

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wk 12 - Destroyer of All Vampires

I'm seriously thinking of writing a book about Vampires. All these stupid Vampire movies and shows have really given people the wrong idea about us.

Take the Sun - I don't even know how that old rumor got started, but it's a total lie. We can walk around in sunlight just as easily as you, so quite drinking the Kool-Aid already.

And stakes! Listen up Morons - we're dead - you can't kill us any more and we certainly aren't going to evaporate into dust from a little wood - it just doesn't happen. And I'm telling you right now, if any of you phonies do ever try stake me, I'm going to be wicked pissed because not only does it ruin a perfectly good shirt, I'm told that crap hurts really freekin' bad, so chill with that already.

One last thing - enough with the garlic. Of course we don't like it, just like all of you. It might taste good with pasta, but it makes you and me smell ridiculously bad and it doesn't affect Vampires the way you think - other than being completely annoying!

Sorry for that rant - I'm a little on edge right now. Something really bad happened in Science class yesterday. I shouldn't tell you, but you're bound to find out about it anyway, so I might as well get the scoop.

Even though all those things I mentioned above are not true about Vampires, there is one thing that nobody knew. Well, until yesterday. It's something that could wipe all Vampires off the face of the Earth ... for good. And trust me, I'm not just being dramatic.

I was in Science class when the teacher said we were going to watch some science program from a DVD she had. She started fussing with the TV - trying to get the DVD player to work, and that's when it happened. The TV had come on, but the program she was trying to play was still loading. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The channel was on MTV, and a new video just started. When I looked up at the screen, I was blinded -- like 'I couldn't see' - blinded. It was horrible - 'Destroyer of All the Undead'. I'm talking about Justin Bieber!  I'm not sure what it is about that kid, but if Vampires look at him too long, they turn to stone. You know - like that pissed off chick with all the snakes in her hair, from 'Clash of the Titans'.

Actually, if she cut those snakes off her head and got rid of the scaly bottom, she's really not that bad looking. Just saying ...

Luckily I only looked at him for a second, so I was just temporarily blinded. It's kind of like looking into the Sun; if you look too long, it's all over. But then his singing started its evil torture on my ears, like fingers scraping on a chalkboard, only like a million times worse! I jumped out of my seat, covered my ears, and ran for the door. What other choice did I have? Only I forgot that I still couldn't see and ended up running into the wall and knocked my self out.
When I woke up, Growley said I was babbling something about Justin Bieber being a Weapon of Mass Destruction to all Vampires. So now you know why I don't expect it to remain a secret for very long. My ears are stills aching.

Now Mom is making me hide out at my cousin's house, because he told her all about make believe Vampire Kings and Queens and how they might come after me for my mistake. Yes - he's still wrapped up in that series, 'True Blood'. I don't think Mom totally believed it, but she said she didn't want to take any chances and that I needed to hide out at Garth's until the whole thing blew over. To be honest with you, she seemed a little excited.

I'm not worried about any fake King's or whatever else Garth is carrying on about, but I am a little freaked that this information about J.B. (you know who I'm talking about) could get to SPAM, or is it 'The Murderer Formerly Known as SPAM', or 'The Dummy Who Can Not Be Named', or whatever other stupid moronic name that killer is going by these days.

And to top it all off, I talked to Dad this weekend and asked him if he could do some snooping around in the afterworld to find out more about 'The Dummy'. I practically poured my heart out to the man, but he claimed his week was really jam packed with important stuff and asked he could do it next week. UN-FREEKIN'-BELIEVABLE!!

He better be working on solving world hunger or something!

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

If you're new to my blog, don't be a Phony! Start at the beginning.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wk 11 - What Werewolves Like

Talk about a long week!

My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!

If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)

So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.

Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.

After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.

Yep - another stinkin' failed test.

But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.

Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.

So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it would be a bad scene if I started feeding him and ran out of food.

By the end of the day, I had a whole trash bag full of the smelly critters. Then, the next morning, I waited in a tree that was on Growley's way to school, because there was no way I wanted to be near him once the feeding frenzy started. My plan was going perfect.

But then, when I opened the bag to throw the animals down to him, the horrible smell came out of bag and I swear it smacked me in the face! Seriously, it felt like mace hitting my eyes. That's when I lost my balance and fell on Growley, dead animals and all. I don't think I need to tell you how that went.

Anyway, turns out Growley's a pretty cool guy. Don't get me wrong, he was wicked pissed and almost killed me after I dumped those smelly rodents on top of him, but he got over it ... eventually. The guy's got a pretty hard punch, so I don't think I'll be conducting any more experiments with him. We cut school together because we both smelled like we stepped out of a sewer.

I finally confronted him about the werewolf thing and he swears he is not one - just really hairy. I'm not buying it though - I think he just hasn't fully turned yet. Maybe it happens at a certain age - like in Twilight (even though that movie is full of lies).

On top of all that CRAP, I found out from Gandork that 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' has made some progress in getting back to the living. Since he doesn't have a body to go into yet, his face grew into the back of one of his idiotic lackies' heads. This all sounds pretty insane to me, especially since it's coming from Gandork, so I'll ask Dad the next time he pops up.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Friday, November 5, 2010

Wk 10 - "The Stipulation"

My week started out with AWESOME NEWS! Veronica decided to drop her restraining order against me after the whole incident that I don't like to talk about any more. She must have found out I'm now 'The Stipulation' and couldn't resist being away from me.

I noticed this week that I'm the only vampire walking around with fangs on the outside of the mouth - like an idiot. So I tucked them under my bottom lip.

I've got to admit, it looked pretty natural. I don't even think people could tell I was a vampire after that.

But I should have took them out before I went to bed. I must have had a bad dream because I ended up grinding my teeth pretty good and my whole freekin' jaw was killing me the next day. And of course, that's the day I chose to ask out Veronica.

She was sitting alone at the lunch table when I decided to make my move. It was going really good until I took a big gulp of blood from my thermos. She got all crazed all of a sudden - screaming at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was simply because I sat next to her (which made me feel like a huge dweeb), but then I realized I was squirting blood on her through two holes in my lower lip that must have happened from my fangs poking through the night before. No wonder my jaw was hurting so bad!

Everyone got a big kick out of it (except for Veronica). She ran off screaming, making a huge fuss over it. It wasn't even her blood. For all she knew I could have been seriously hurt, but do you think she cared? That phony's off my radar again. Then, the moron principal gave me detention for a week! This school's so Vampa-Phobic, it's pathetic!!

When I first arrived at detention, the only seat left was next to this guy Dexter and that totally freaked me out because the guy's mega-weird. Everybody keeps their distance from him because he growls while he eats his food, like some kind of nutbag. All the students call him 'Growley'.

When I was forced to sit next to him in detention, I couldn't help but stare at the freakazoid. That's when I noticed his finger nails didn't look quite right and I think I figured it out: he's a werewolf. It makes sense that he wouldn't tell anyone, because 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' applies to werewolves also.

I don't want to just come out and ask him either, because I can't stand when people do that to me. You'd think I wore a gigantic sign saying I was a Vampire or something. I have a few ideas to find out for sure before I confront him about it.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton