My chances of being mega-rich are gone - thanks to my wanna-be lawyer, Vinnie Cochran. What a loser! He didn't even last a week on 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. And now that he's back in the spotlight, that phony dumped my class-action suit to team up with his old client to write a How-To book on defense trials. Can you believe the nerve of those guys!!
If anyone has a copy, can I borrow it? (stupid morbid curiosity)
So, Stephenie Meyer, I guess you're off the hook ... for now. But let this be a warning to you for the next time you decide to write about sparkly, overly sensitive, wussy vampires. In fact, see me first and I'll set you straight for a small consultation fee.
Remember Growley - the guy I had to sit next to in detention last week? Well, my first test to find out for sure if he was a werewolf was a bust. I put a sign out showing two paths: 1 for humans and 1 for werewolves. The guy really isn't the brightest bulb in the pack because he just stood there for like 15 minutes scratching his head and then turned around and walked the other way.
After that, I was determined to find out, so I rented a bunch of werewolf movies to research further. The first one I rented was a lame 80's movie called 'Teenwolf'. How could I not? - Growley's a teen and I'm pretty sure he's a werewolf. According to the movie, werewolves are really excellent basketball players. So I tested the theory out on him in gym class.
Yep - another stinkin' failed test.
But I just knew this guy was different. Call it Vampire instinct. So I watched 'Wolf' with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer (a total babe by the way). The main thing I learned from that movie was that werewolves love to eat animals. I not kidding - there were dead eaten animals in almost every scene. Pretty disgusting actually! If that were really true, that would be one fat freekin' werewolf, but I went with the information anyway.
Now, if you've been reading my blog, you know I've been thrown into a lot of situations that made me look crazy, but you and I both know the truth. My point is, don't go judging me on what I'm about to tell you before you read the whole thing.
So I walked around after school for like 5 hours and picked up all the road kill in my town to feed Growley. And don't you phonies go calling PETA on me because the animals were already dead. I had to get a lot because if werewolves really are that hungry, I figured it would be a bad scene if I started feeding him and ran out of food.
By the end of the day, I had a whole trash bag full of the smelly critters. Then, the next morning, I waited in a tree that was on Growley's way to school, because there was no way I wanted to be near him once the feeding frenzy started. My plan was going perfect.
But then, when I opened the bag to throw the animals down to him, the horrible smell came out of bag and I swear it smacked me in the face! Seriously, it felt like mace hitting my eyes. That's when I lost my balance and fell on Growley, dead animals and all. I don't think I need to tell you how that went.
Anyway, turns out Growley's a pretty cool guy. Don't get me wrong, he was wicked pissed and almost killed me after I dumped those smelly rodents on top of him, but he got over it ... eventually. The guy's got a pretty hard punch, so I don't think I'll be conducting any more experiments with him. We cut school together because we both smelled like we stepped out of a sewer.
I finally confronted him about the werewolf thing and he swears he is not one - just really hairy. I'm not buying it though - I think he just hasn't fully turned yet. Maybe it happens at a certain age - like in Twilight (even though that movie is full of lies).
On top of all that CRAP, I found out from Gandork that 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named' has made some progress in getting back to the living. Since he doesn't have a body to go into yet, his face grew into the back of one of his idiotic lackies' heads. This all sounds pretty insane to me, especially since it's coming from Gandork, so I'll ask Dad the next time he pops up.