Monday, October 11, 2010

Wk 06 - Mom Just Doesn't Get It!


After my miserable experience last week, I figured life could only get better at this new phony school. But, of course, I was wrong.

On Wednesday, mom decided I needed a change in my diet. I do try to love that woman, but I'm seriously considering disowning her.

Since I became a vampire 6 months ago, packing my lunch has never been easier - put some cow's blood in a thermos, and it's done. Well, she decided that wasn't good enough for me (like she knows anything about vampires), so she ordered some kind of freekin' blood from organic raised Yaks in the Himalayas (or some crap like that). And do you think she would bother to tell me this?  No. I took it out at lunch and slurped it down as usual. I could tell it was different, but I just figured mom had skimped and bought a generic brand.

So then I was sitting in 6th period chemistry class and my stomach started rumbling. That's not what bothered me, though. The pain, however, DID! It felt like a bicycle pump was shoved into my stomach, and was trying to blow me up. Seriously, it was the worst pain I ever felt!

I would have asked to go to the bathroom, but I knew I would be doomed the minute I stood up, so I just sat there and hoped it would pass.


My stomach was hurting so bad, I tried to adjust my sitting position. Now, the one thing those phony TV execs don’t tell you about Vampires - is their farts. Don't act so surprised - do you really think drinking an all blood diet would make your bodily functions smell like roses? They are the nastiest, foulest farts you will ever smell! And so, one escaped me. But at least it was silent, so nobody could pin it on me.

I guess you could say I was lucky in one sense, because it was like no other stench you could have ever smelled. Freekin’ insane! I don't even think it's something I could be proud of if I were alone. It didn’t take long for it to completely take the room like some kind of vapor blob. Students were gagging everywhere. I’m not kidding. The fumes were so strong, it made some of their eyes water.

They actually closed the school and brought those hazmat dudes in to make sure it wasn’t some kind of chemical or biological attack. I started to feel a little insulted, but I’m pretty sure no one knew it was me so I didn’t say anything. I got back at mom that night when I went home and used her bathroom. The house stunk really bad all night, but it was worth it. 

I couldn’t believe it when she actually tried to pack that blood for me the next day. She claimed we were out of the normal blood. Whatever.  She has absolutely no vampire sympathy. So I skipped lunch completely on that day. I figured starving was much better than going through that again. But then, that created a whole new problem.

I was sitting in Chemistry class, again, when this crazy impulse came over me. This guy Bart, who’s a total phony, sits in front of me. He must have the longest neck in the world. It’s pretty ridiculous looking. I zoned out from what the teacher was saying because I could hear the blood moving through his big giraffe neck. I’m not going to write what I was thinking because I’m pretty sure you wouldn't understand and would form a totally different conclusion about it. When I finally came out of that trance, I had to quickly clean up the puddle of drool I left on my desk. Stupid mom and her organic blood!
"Life SUCKS, and then you turn into a Vampire."
 - Anton (week 5)

1 comment:

  1. farting in class is embarrasing enough, without needing a school evacuation lol

    -Ryan "the flying fish master" Mathew