Wk 09 - The Jersey SNORE

I really hate when the batteries in my remote die. I was surfing the channels on Saturday when I landed on MTV's Cribs. I know - I know - it's a lame show, but I just can't seem to turn it off. If you haven't seen it, it's all about phony celebrities bragging and showing off their fancy houses and rubbing it in your face. Those looser snobs!!

Dad actually haunted some of their houses, and trust me, they aren't showing you everything! In fact, some of those creepy celebs are into some really weird crap - like a grown men having an entirely secret room dedicated to a miniature Barbi World! I'd love to say who that was, because it's someone all the girls made such a big stupid fuss over. I won't reveal him, but he may have been in a boy band at one time. See that, ladies! It doesn't always pay to choose the good looking guys.

Anyway, that's when the remote died, so I was stuck watching MTV all day until mom could get new batteries. And of course, right after Cribs was an ALL DAY marathon of 'THE JERSEY SHORE!' It was even more torturous than watching those wussy vampires sparkle in Twilight. I know I said Edward was the biggest Tool around, but I may have been wrong about that.

There's actually a guy on that show that calls himself 'The Situation'. I swear I'm not making that up, either! Are you chicks really into guys like that? I don't see what's so special about him. I mean - I have the same body type as him.

But I will admit, just like that stupid Edward, he does manage to get the babes. So I'm thinking of giving myself a nickname. I can't go calling myself 'The Situation' just in case he has it trademarked - you know like how I'm getting 'Life Sucks' trademarked. But I thought of an even better name. -- 'The Stipulation'

Think about it - 'The Situation' can go either way. Yeah, it could be a 'good' situation, but it can just as easily be a 'bad' situation (and who wants that). But "The Stipulation" has a certain mystery to it. Like, if you want to go out with me, there are things to consider. It will keep all the babes wondering about me and that's what it's all about. And just so we're clear - this doesn't mean I think 'The Situation' is cool.

The Twilight lawsuit isn't looking good. My lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, has been getting a lot of publicity with all the recent hype over our class action suit and now he's getting all fame-crazed from the attention and talking about going on that new show 'I'm a Celebrity Vampire - Get Me Out of Here'. I guess he's just one more phony in this crappy world.

The only good part of my week was seeing Garth go down in flames. That bonehead's still trying to learn vampire tricks from 'True Blood', so he went out this week and tried to 'Glamour' (still think that's a really stupid name for it) a girl at the mall into going on a date with him. He even included a wave of his hand, like he was some kind of dumb Jedi-Knight Vampire. If only I had taped it on my iPhone - it would have gone viral for sure!

"Life Sucks"

- Anton

Wk 08 - 'True Blood' is Wicked Good!

Holy Crap!! Me and Garth started watching that show on HBO, True Blood, this week. Now I know why his mom didn't want me watching it. It's freekin' insane!! And don't you go squealing on me, either.

The main chick on that show, Sookie, is pretty hot, but she never shuts up. And just to make this absolutely clear, I'm not talking about 'Snookie' from that annoying show 'The Jersey Shore'. Those people are the phoniest phonies I've ever seen.

True Blood pretty much portrays vampires totally wrong, just like Twilight, but at least there's no sparkling vampires. Although, they do have this special power that makes them able to control peoples' thoughts. They call it 'Glamouring', which is a completely rediculous name for it - if you ask me. 

In the show, every vampire has a 'Maker', which is the person who turned them into a vampire. And the Maker is like the vampire's boss, or master, or whatever you want to call him.

That is so bogus! I couldn't even imagine having to follow orders from Garth for the rest of my life! But of course, once that dimwit learned about 'Makers', he instantly tried to boss me around by commanding me to clean his room, so I had to nip that in the bud right away.

I might not be the toughest guy in the world, but Garth is a complete wuss. He was convinced he could sell his vampire blood and make millions from it because that's what they do on the show. So he got one of those finger prickers that diabetics use and pricked his pinkie and squeezed a tiny drop of blood out, but the moron fainted from the sight of it!

Remember how I said I have to start meeting with our guidance counselor, Gandork? Well we had our first meeting on Thursday. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog, so I think it will be OK if I write about it. So I was sitting there and the first things he says to me is "I see dead people." I'm not joking - just like that little dude from the Sixth Sense. 

I almost crapped my pants!! And don't pretend like that scene didn't freak you out, either.

But then he explained how he talks to them and how SPAM, I mean 'The Dummy Who Can Not be Named', is working his way back to the living. The guy's all hell-bent on coming after me just because I accidentally peed in this face when I was a baby. Dude has some serious issues. Gandork says I'm the only one who can stop The Dummy, but he has a plan to help me, so I'll keep you up to date on that. Also, my "Winner" scar (Don't say it!) on my forehead started to burn this week so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with his trying to return.

"Life Sucks"
- Anton

Wk 07 - Mr. Tumbledore

No update on my lawsuit against 'Twilight'. Vinnie's still building a case.


GANDORK



What a freekin' week! As part of my punishment from the trouble I caused at school a couple of weeks ago, I have to start meeting with the 9th grade guidance counselor, Mr. Tumbledore. Talk about freaks! - This guy should have his own counselor. He's this really old, tall guy with long gray hair. He looks like that dude from Lord of the Rings, Gandolf, so everyone calls him 'Gandork'.

He uses a cane to walk, but I swear he thinks it's some kind of magical staff. Every time he counsels a student to do something, he slams the end of the cane on the floor like he just cast a spell. And they're worried about me! I'm sure he's going to be a major phony, but I'll report more on him next week after we meet.



Mom also made me start hanging out with my idiot cousin, Garth, because she says I need to learn how to be a vampire. Well, that may be true but Garth is the sorriest excuse for a vampire you ever want to meet. I mean, the moron accidentally turned me - if that tells you anything about him.


I shouldn't be writing this, but the reason he became a Vampire is because he signed up for some lame clinical study that was testing a new vaccine to protect agaist Vampirism. Actually, I start laughing hysterically every time I think about how he only got a $50 gift certificate to the mall to find out the vaccine didn't work.  

At least he's 19. That's like the perfect age. Not me - I'M FREEKIN' STUCK IN PUBERTY UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! Every third word that comes out of my mouth sounds like some kind of mutant seal. But I suppose it could be worse. There's this kid, Bruno, who was turned when he was 3. But his mind is 15 so he is in my grade. It's a little freaky to watch him, but I've got to admin, that little dude has some sweet moves with the ladies.

Anyway, Garth claims he has been watching this show 'True Blood' that will give us all the instruction we need. But we have to sneak it, because his mom won't let me watch it because it's for adults, which is exactly the kind of CRAP I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life! I'll report back on that next week also.


BTW - I've shortened my catch phrase to just 'Life SUCKS'. It just sounds cooler (plus it's just clever because vampires suck blood and I'm a vampire and all). I'm trying to get a patent on it like that dude who makes a zillion bucks every time someone wants to scream 'Let's get Ready to Rumble'.

Wk 06 - Mom Just Doesn't Get It!

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After my miserable experience last week, I figured life could only get better at this new phony school. But, of course, I was wrong.

On Wednesday, mom decided I needed a change in my diet. I do try to love that woman, but I'm seriously considering disowning her.

Since I became a vampire 6 months ago, packing my lunch has never been easier - put some cow's blood in a thermos, and it's done. Well, she decided that wasn't good enough for me (like she knows anything about vampires), so she ordered some kind of freekin' blood from organic raised Yaks in the Himalayas (or some crap like that). And do you think she would bother to tell me this?  No. I took it out at lunch and slurped it down as usual. I could tell it was different, but I just figured mom had skimped and bought a generic brand.

So then I was sitting in 6th period chemistry class and my stomach started rumbling. That's not what bothered me, though. The pain, however, DID! It felt like a bicycle pump was shoved into my stomach, and was trying to blow me up. Seriously, it was the worst pain I ever felt!

I would have asked to go to the bathroom, but I knew I would be doomed the minute I stood up, so I just sat there and hoped it would pass.

HUGE MISTAKE!!

My stomach was hurting so bad, I tried to adjust my sitting position. Now, the one thing those phony TV execs don’t tell you about Vampires - is their farts. Don't act so surprised - do you really think drinking an all blood diet would make your bodily functions smell like roses? They are the nastiest, foulest farts you will ever smell! And so, one escaped me. But at least it was silent, so nobody could pin it on me.

I guess you could say I was lucky in one sense, because it was like no other stench you could have ever smelled. Freekin’ insane! I don't even think it's something I could be proud of if I were alone. It didn’t take long for it to completely take the room like some kind of vapor blob. Students were gagging everywhere. I’m not kidding. The fumes were so strong, it made some of their eyes water.

They actually closed the school and brought those hazmat dudes in to make sure it wasn’t some kind of chemical or biological attack. I started to feel a little insulted, but I’m pretty sure no one knew it was me so I didn’t say anything. I got back at mom that night when I went home and used her bathroom. The house stunk really bad all night, but it was worth it. 

I couldn’t believe it when she actually tried to pack that blood for me the next day. She claimed we were out of the normal blood. Whatever.  She has absolutely no vampire sympathy. So I skipped lunch completely on that day. I figured starving was much better than going through that again. But then, that created a whole new problem.

I was sitting in Chemistry class, again, when this crazy impulse came over me. This guy Bart, who’s a total phony, sits in front of me. He must have the longest neck in the world. It’s pretty ridiculous looking. I zoned out from what the teacher was saying because I could hear the blood moving through his big giraffe neck. I’m not going to write what I was thinking because I’m pretty sure you wouldn't understand and would form a totally different conclusion about it. When I finally came out of that trance, I had to quickly clean up the puddle of drool I left on my desk. Stupid mom and her organic blood!

"Life SUCKS, and then you turn into a Vampire."
 - Anton (week 5)

Wk 05 - Vinnie Cochran

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The class-action lawsuit is SO back on!! Apparently, the techniques I've been using from that STUPID Twilight movie haven't exactly had the effect that I'd thought. At least that's what the freekin' cops told me after about 10 of them showed up at my house to haul me away. Luckily mom was able to explain how the situation was a big misunderstanding, so they let me stay in school. But now she stares at me with a 'that boy ain't right' kind of look.

All the girls in the ninth grade think I'm some kind of weird psychopath now. I would still try to ask out Veronica, except that she put a restraining order against me which means I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times.

Well, at least now I can add mental pain and suffering to my list of damages. I was actually able to get the famous lawyer, Vinnie Cochran, to represent us vampires in the trial. He's a vampire himself, so he'll know exactly how to play the species card when the time is right.

I'm sure you know him - he's the lawyer that represented a certain Vampire athlete (and also a horrible actor) who bit and and severely beat his girlfriend while she sang the national anthem in front of 20,000 fans during a televised baseball game. You'd think it was an open and shut case with that many witnesses, but Vinnie was able to prove reasonable doubt. During the trial, the defendant was ordered to try and fit his fangs into the holes on the victim's neck and he couldn't. And that's pretty much what won the case.

 I talked to dad this week. Remember how I told you my dad was murdered? Well he actually stops by to talk to me once and a while. (I forgot to mention his ghost sometimes appears.) I think it's great that we can still talk to each other and all, but he has a habit of showing up at the worst times. I'm now completely paranoid wheneven I'm doing anything that calls for a little privacy. Anyway, mom must have told him all about what happened at school, because I had to explain the whole humiliating story to him again.

That wasn't the only reason he stopped by, though. He told me he read in 'The Ghost-Vine' (yes, that's a real publication in the afterlife) that SPAM is trying to work his way back from the dead. Oh, and he changed his name back to that idiotic crop-circle symbol. For now on, I'll just refer to him as "The Dummy That Can Not be Named". So that's just another stupid thing I've got to worry about now.

I've come up with a new motto: 'Life SUCKS, and Then You Turn Into a Vampire!'. Feel free to use it, but make sure you phony's credit me if you do. Maybe I'll put it on a bumper-sticker.

Wk 04 - "Edward Does Have Cool Hair"

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Maybe this school isn't so bad after all. The girls have really taken notice to me over the past week. Thanks to my new move, my reputation is really starting to build.

I rented Twilight again so I could really get a feel for Edward's speech. I'm still pissed about the movie's slanderous portrayal of Vampires, but I will agree to stop pursuing my class-action lawsuit if I can get a girlfriend from it.

Belle is HOT, but she has the personality of a slug. Watching her for a couple of hours makes me want to kill myself all over again. Sure, she's a total BABE, but what a buzz kill! She's another phony I'd like to put in my shoes for a day.

One thing about Edward is he does have cool hair. I mean - it's alright. I've been experimenting with my hair - trying to change my look up a little. If it resembles Edward's, don't think I'm trying to copy him. That would just be weird!

This past week I've perfected talking like him. It's not very hard, since he hardly ever says anything. I guess it's supposed to add to his mystique. When he does talk, it's all slow and he makes it seem like he's in physical pain. Like the words he is saying are stabbing him or something. What a Tool-Bag!

But I still decided to give it a shot anyway with the stare, the look, and the new hair style. I caught Veronica alone in the hall one day and tested it out on her.

It went wicked awesome! She was speechless! She practically melted with emotion. Who knew acting like a Tool could be so great. Tomorrow I'll go in for the kill (not literally) and ask her out.