Did I mention being a Vampire sucks? Well it does. ROYALLY!
I had my fight with that freakazoid Brad Pitt wannabe this week. And I'm still healing from it. I trained like some kind of bite-fighting olympian for the last two weeks for that match because I knew that wack-job was getting all pumped up watching 'Troy' and 'Interview with a Vampire'. So I knew it wasn't going to be easy to beat him.
I decided some karate lessons were in order. That's right, I spent the whole last week studying the Karate Kid movies, old and new. I felt like a king-fu biting genious after that.
When the fight actually started, I was so nervous I forgot to take off my sweatshirt. That's a cardinal rule of Bite Club, you know. NO SHIRTS! It's kind of creepy.
Anyway, the fight started, and since I still had my hoodie on, I decided to 'hang up the jacket'. Yeah, you know the move I'm talking about ... the one where Jaden Smith spent like a week just hanging up that stupid freekin' jacket. It would have been an awsome move if my left arm didn't get stuck in the sleeve. That's when Pitt took a good bite out of that arm. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!
Then he went for the other arm, so I used a little 'wax on'. It worked perfectly until I followed it up with a 'paint the fence' and actually painted my hand right up into his fangs. Again - NOT PLEASANT!!
After two minutes, I had more holes in me than that dumb movie called 'Holes'. (give me a break you phonies, it's the best I could come up with) Anyway we took a 30 second break, which gave me the perfect opportunity to set up my secret weapon move. It's a combination of that kick-ass move where Ralph Macchio from the first Karate Kid stands on one leg, and Jaden Smith's wicked snake charming mind control thing from the new Karate Kid. You should have saw me - I looked like a FREEKIN' ROCKSTAR!
It's lucky for that Brad Pitt that I passed out from all the blood loss, or I surely would have brought the fangs down on him.
Quit being like all the other phonies - read from the beginning!